My lucky day...

So today I was speeding along, talking on my phone, and obviously not paying attention to the state trooper that was--oh--paying attention to me! I got pulled over.

Knowing that I was going, um, fast and the speed limit was only 55 mph. I knew I was in trouble.

The trooper approached the car and I start handing him my drivers license, registration, and an insurance card...which the nice trooper noticed that it expired on the 23rd. Which than I remember--crap my new card is on my kitchen table.

This trooper looked me straight in the eyes and said "I can take your license right now. You were going 82." What?! I started to argue "I don't think it was quite that". I was told sternly not to argue. Next I was questioned "Where you going in such the hurry?" I replied honestly "I'm meeting someone for lunch." He than looked at me puzzled and asked "Your excuse for going 82 mph is because you are meeting someone for lunch?" I shook my head up and down and say "Yup, cause that is what I'm doing." He than brought up again that he can 'yank' my license. I said "Hey can you not do that. Is there something else?" He still hasn't taken one step away from my window and looks at my license and said "is this thing valid?" I know I was looking at him strangely and said "Yup". His next question was "So do you have lots of speeding tickets?" I stated "Nope, honestly I don't." He handed me back my drivers license and said "enjoy your lunch but slow down." Phew!!!

Thank you Mr. State Trooper!

The guy never even ran my license! I wasn't lying but still.

Let's just say I only speed 5 mph the rest of my drive!

At the grocery store?

Today the kids and I went to the grocery store together--we were just about out of everything!

Anyway, I'm walking around in my new hairdo with a slightly cleavage-showing top. I felt good.

In the fruit section at the local Wal~Mart this man in his 30's approached me and started to chit-chat and went on hitting on me. No big deal right? Wrong!

First off--single or not--I have three kids with me. I find nothing more nauseating than getting hit on in front of my kids. Do people really have no decency? I would never date a man that didn't show respect in front of my kids.

Second off--who says I am single?

I will now bundle up in a hoodie before going to get groceries!

My new hair...

Today I had an appointment at my regular salon to get my hair not only cut but dyed and highlighted. Needless to say a 'few' inches were snipped but I like it. It's the first time in almost a decade that I have bangs!

I asked for a dark, dark brown--almost black with caramel and red highlights. Now what I got was a dark brown with red and a pumpkin spice colored highlights! The caramel didn't take but it's okay!

During the long process of getting my hair done I looked like the tin man off of the Wizard of Oz--I had so much foil in my hair!

Needless to say I'm pretty happy with my shorter 'redish' hairdo.

My "early" midlife crisis

As I sit here I'm worried that I am getting 'old'. Yes--at 5:33pm on the 18th I will turn the huge number of 29.

So what is special about turning 29?

Well in Febuary there are 29 days on a leap year.

29 is a prime number.

Interesting enough there is 29 bones in the human skull.

Who could not live without knowing that the Norwegian alphabet contains 29 letters.

Copper has the atomic number of 29 on the chemical element table.

Well I haven't accomplished finding anything great about turning 29. I mean come on it's my last year of being "young" and in my 20's. I do know that I am young at heart--which will never change!

So with turning 'old' gracefully I am going to get a whole new look---watch out!

Trick-or-treat

Happy Halloween everyone!

The boys and I went trick-or-treating together and Tiana went with her friend. It truly made me realize how fast my kids are growing that she didn't even want to spend Halloween with me. I guess it was a realization that she is becoming much more independent. Isn't that how life goes?

The boys got loads of candy and they had a ton of fun. I seen some great decorated houses and some that actually put on a lil' haunted house or a haunted scene. That is what I want when my kids are 'too old' to trick-or-treat....a house to remember on Halloween.

Anyway, it was another long day--very long. I think I am going to try and take a day off soon and well--go out! Yup, I do think it is time for myself to go out and see what fun I can have. I actually have a three-day weekend off the weekend before my birthday so I am sure that I will be doing something 'adult-like' during that time.

Happy Halloween to all of you!

Dressing up...

Tomorrow is Halloween and it is my all-time favorite holiday! Yes, I have purchased a costume and I plan on wearing it to work and possibly out trick-or-treating.

My co-workers know that I went costume shopping so they asked me if I was going to wear it to work tomorrow. I replied "My jugs look like watermelons when I tried it on". They laughed hysterically and one replied "I haven't heard someone use the word jugs to describe their boobs in a long time" to which another one replied "At least not a woman".

I guess I am different. My mouth seems to move faster than my brain. Well if you talk to me than you already know that.

I did decide that I am going to wear my costume to work and I am hopefully going to leave the house a bit early so I can pick up some Halloween candy for the clients. I think we might even get a few Trick-Or-Treaters!

As you can tell--I am slightly excited!

Number 11?

The kids and I just returned home a couple of hours ago from our trip across the state. I must say it ended up being one of the best trips that I made back home.

It didn't start off that way, in fact I was almost on the verge to turn around and come back but I only had 7 miles to go to make my way into Sioux City. My feelings got hurt and I, to say the least, got emotional. OKay, I was a cry baby.

We visited my dad, who went above and beyond what a dad/grandpa needed to do for this trip. I received my graduation presents--which are gorgeous and very thoughtful.

My sister and my kids and I enjoyed a nice breakfast together. We also wandered around Menards looking for 8 inch duct piping that comes in 5 foot sections.

I got to spend a couple of hours at the tattoo shop, which I might need to add--the rumor was correct--someone has new ink.

I ate jalapeno jelly, habanero pepper salsa, and some pretty awful dill pickle. Thanks Steve, it was all delicious but the dill pickles! Ha Ha!

We made a trip to the Ole Time Candy Shop where I picked up some TWIN BINGS and lots of other sweets.

I actually visited my Grandma--no the world is not coming to an end!

I seen some old friends from years ago and the family that means so much to me. I was even asked if I was planning on moving back to start a career up there in the near future. I was reminded that I am single so that can't be 'holding' me in Ottumwa.

Now I am planning on going back 'home' for Christmas...

October 13th, 2006

What were you doing two years ago today?

I can tell you exactly what I was doing. I was spending my last night as a Sioux City citizen. My moving van was packed and I stayed up most of the night nervously thinking to myself if I was making the right decision on moving 300 miles across the state. No doubt in my mind--I made the right choice.

Honestly I was scared out of my mind. I left my family behind, my friends, everything that I knew was in Sioux City.

I remember arriving here to Ottumwa and crying myself to sleep for weeks. I missed everyone but I kept telling myself that it was temporary--I will soon be back home.

I can remember going home over Christmas in 2006 and I remember the mind games my ex husband insisted on partaking in. At that moment I knew that my choice of moving 300 miles saved not only my sanity--but my life. I can remember having a conversation with my cousin in tears saying "I just want to go home" but the ironic thing was I was talking about Ottumwa. It was that moment that my family realized that I did exactly what I needed to do to make my life just that--my life.

This weekend I get to make the trip back 'home' to Sioux City. I am quite excited and looking forward to seeing all my friends and family. Of course the tattoo shop is on the top of my to do list--rumor is I might come home with some new ink...

I said it--and I mean it--I think.

After great deliberation I have decided that I am ready for a relationship—or to say the least—date.

I have taken my time to reflect on myself and made a few necessary changes to myself. I’m happy, to be honest though I have always been pretty happy with the way my life is.

I realize I want more in life now, that I don’t need a relationship with a man, but that I would enjoy one—with the right man. This does not mean that I will change any of my “good girl” morals and values just simply means that I want to fill the slight void that I have in my life—with the right man.

Now how to find the “right man”? Good question. I’m willing to figure that out.

What is a mother to do?

This last week has tested my patience over and over…

First off I worked 50 hours and of course I am in school fulltime too. Now that is not what I am speaking about. My patience was tested beyond my normal obstacles.

On Tuesday I had to meet with a therapist for ‘mediation counseling’ with my second ex husband. At this time he was not there it was the initial appointment to explain what it is I am wanting. You see my ex husband hasn’t seen his kids in the last 5 visits he was scheduled, mind you these are alternating weekends. I have no problem with having my kids 365 days a year and that is an absolute promise. What my issue is that he doesn’t have the decency to call and say that he is not coming down. It puts me in a bind with daycare because I work on the weekends he is scheduled and not scheduled for that matter. But having to run around last minute to get that child care is stressful.

Now looking at it from another point of view through my kids’ eyes they miss their dad and are starting to get angry at him. My youngest confronted his dad over the phone and said “Dad I have the right to know are you coming down.” Saying this got him yelled at to the point of big crocodile tears streaming down his face. I took the phone away and stated to my ex husband that he will not talk to the kids that way and I hung up. Of course he called back and left me a great message, He hates me, I am worthless, I am a bitch, I am nothing, he is taking me back to court, and much ,much more. I can’t take these messages anymore. I moved across the state so I didn't have to.

Well with him not coming to see his kids and only talking to them twice since the last time he physically seen them has taken quite the toll on my kids. My middle son is acting out and my youngest is extra clingy. I started Ian into counseling this last Wednesday and she told me she is suspecting “ABUSE”! It just continues to echo inside my head.

This Monday I will be calling and getting an appointment for my youngest son to speak with a counselor by his request. Yup, my seven year old requested to speak to someone on the way that his dad talks to them.

Now this is very hard for me because I am trying to stay as neutral as possible. Meaning, I am not bad mouthing the kids’ dad to them. I figure they have enough anger to deal with of their own, they don’t need mine.

What is a mother to do…

You are holding what?

As promised real human brains, heart valve, lungs, and more.

At the zoo they had a Latino Festival set up. We walked around to all the booths and the one that caught my eye and the kids eye was the 'health care' tent. Imagine that.

We learned how to make 'pills' from capsules and colored sugar. The kids enjoyed it but it left me thinking--should we really teach kids that pills are candy? Anyway, we than counted out our own monthly prescription of skittles. Again associating pills to candy?

The next table shown us how to remove staples after a surgery. They stapled together paper towels and the kids tried to remove the staples without riping the paper towel. Lets just say they need more practice!

My favorite table was next, a man dressed in a lab coat with four or five things hidden under a towels. I seen disposable gloves so I knew it had to be great. My youngest and I head over. One he can start a conversation and I would be able to peak under those towels. This nice man is in his last year of school to become a surgeon. He peeled back the towels and there sat a full brain, a half a brain, a smokers lung, a non smokers lung, and a heart that had a valve transplant. I was glad to see that my youngest was into it just as much as I was. He put on some gloves and got to hold them all.

Maybe I have the next surgeon as my son...

The Zoo

Yesterday the kids and I went to the Blank Park Zoo. I have never been there and was a little apprehensive of going because I am used to Omaha Zoo, which I think is an amazing place. Lets say I was not disappointed in what I saw...




I was highly surprised when I seen their giraffe exhibit. The giraffes were at eye level when you stood on the platform. This was the closest I have been to a giraffe...I wanted to reach out and pet one...

Real human brains, heart valve transplant, counting pills, feeding goats and more to come....

Mediation

If anyone knows me and my situation they would know why I am in need for a mediation counselor with my ex-husband. Well today I spoke with a counselor I worked with to see who they would recommend. After going into great details with this counselor she was amazed about all that was going on and commended me on my professionalism.

I contacted the counselor office where she recommended and gave a brief description of my circumstance and asked to set up a mediation appointment with a counselor and my ex husband. I asked if they would mail him a letter to have him contact them with a good day or how that works out. The receptionist stated that I would need to contact him to get a good time to set up the mediation. I nicely explained if I could that than I wouldn't need the mediation.

Needless to say I have an appointment at the end of the month to speak with a counselor about possible mediation...I guess I will see how this works out.

Defense tactics

Yesterday I had defensive tactic training.....and now today I am sore!

So I registered for this class...Defensive Tactic Training...and when I arrived I walked in to a class full of men. I stated out loud "wow, I feel out numbered". All the men 'promised' to take it easy on me. By the time that the class started there were about 6 of us females to the 15 men in the class.

So mind you a police officer teaches this class. One by one we had to demonstrate the tactics on each other. Different pressure points, holds, and well other defensive tactics. If the police officer thought we were 'faking' doing them because we didn't want to hurt each other he would come up and do the move on us.

Lets just say I am pretty sore on my arms, wrists and my collarbone. I will say though that I really enjoyed the class and did learn a thing or two. Anyone want to test the newly learned tactics?

Hard work...

...or should I say hardly work...

How was my day at work you ask?

How would you like to go to work and play connect four and UNO? That is what I did today.

The clients weekends drag by so I thought I would bring in some games to help a few hours go by quicker. As it turns out we all had a lot of fun. We had a few interruptions with the phone ringing but all in all it did make my day and theirs go by quicker.

Tomorrow....a movie! (I won't be able to watch it with them....somebody has to 'man' the station!)

Working on the weekends there is not a lot of 'groups' or 'counseling' that they attend so they have a lot of free time where they sit and think about wanting to leave the unit or worse yet....using.

If I made one of their nights...than that makes me happy.

The big debate...

...when to go 'home'?

I haven't been back to my hometown since March. I really didn't get to see everyone that I wanted to see. Sorry 'bout that y'all. Although I was there in February, for a wedding, and got to see most everyone--I miss my family and my friends.

Maybe one of these weekends I can get up there to visit. That is kind of hard with working 50-60 hours a week. Yup, that is how many hours I've been averaging. Add in the full time schooling and I barely have enough time to take a deep breathe.

My dad still has my graduation presents that he bought in April and is holding them till I come up to visit. My sister is moving. I forgot the smell of Phantasia....something I never thought I would do.

Yup, I think it is getting time to visit 'home'.

LPN

I am State of Iowa Board of Nursing....APPROVED!

Too bad I am not putting it to use...

Tutor...

I am seriously thinking about hiring a tutor!

This term I am taking statistics and for some reason I can not grasp any of it! Maybe it is because I am taking it online and I have to 'self teach'.

It is infuriating!

Does anyone want to tutor me?

No sleep...

Well I worked overnight last night; my first overnight in years! Of course this is my ex husbands weekend to have the kids and he was a no call no show. Go figure. I got off of work and picked up the kids from the babysitters and well beings they have slept all night they were not going to let me sleep. I got about a two hour nap in--not bad--heh. Now I get to get ready to go back to work...

In all actuality it was a busy night last night and that made the night go by fast. We had two admits and a little incident to send one of the patients to ER. So it was an eventful night.

Today I hope that my eyes can stay open to complete the shift...

Neglect

I have been meaning to get on and blog this last week and I didn't. Honestly nothing is really going on in my life. That is a first.

I have been working full time at the hospital, taking classes full time, and add that to being a single mom full time--Time has been very limited but I am happy.

I volunteered to work overnight tonight and second shift both tomorrow and Sunday than back to my normal days on Monday. What was I thinking? I haven't stayed up past midnight in months...so it seems.

I have been going through all my belongings and thinning everything down. The girls that live on the unit have already expressed that they want all the clothes that the kids and I are getting rid of. So I will be donating all of the clothes to the girls on the unit for them and their kids. I just have to get myself to sort them--it will get done.

Yesterday I was told that I was 'hated'. SURPRISE! It makes me smile to hear that.

Umm...we had a huge 'adopted' family reunion this last weekend--camping style. A lot of people showed up and it was a long but fun weekend that lasted from Friday to Monday. When the people started to drink--I left.

Anyway, if anyone knows anything about statistics...um I'm looking for a tutor!

Des Moines.

Monday, the night before boards, a friend and I spent the night in Des Moines with every intention on studying and getting a great night of sleep. Now when we opened our nursing books we got nervous and began to dread the big test in the morning. To calm our nerves we went to Olive Garden for a great meal and of course a drink or two.

We went back to the hotel and there was an ice cream shop in the hotel and I seen beer bottles lined the shelf behind the bar. We went in and took a seat when I asked the waiter if this was the only place in the hotel to get a drink. Within a minute a very nice man approached us to explain that there was a bar on the second floor and was nice enough to show us the way.

We sat in that second floor bar for a good hour or two having a few more drinks. After awhile we decided that getting drunk the night before your nursing boards was not the best idea so we decided to take a swim in the pool. We were the only ones in the pool and it was great but all we could talk about was the 'big scary test'. We got interrupted with a man banging on the door. (I'll leave that for a different blog)

Needless to say we got back to the room around eleven and thought we should study. We got out our review note cards and all it did was get us worried. So we put them away and shut off the lights.

Neither of us slept well at all; a lot of tossing and turning. Nerves, were getting the best of us. Six am and the alarm was going off. We showered and checked out. I drove us to the testing center and it hit us--we did not study at all!

To take the boards you have to have your Authorization to Test, your ID and fingerprints. They won't let you take anything into the testing room--not even a Kleenex.

The questions were hard and my nerves were shot. You have no idea how many questions you are going to have; the range is 85-260 questions. You have 300 minutes to complete your test. When the computer reaches the amount of questions that you are to take it shuts off. My test ended at 115 questions.

We both left Des Moines knowing we failed. It was a quiet ride home. We made it home by lunch time which is good beings our test started at eight in the morning. We enjoyed a very quiet lunch together and than went on with our separate days.

Yesterday while I was at work my friend text me and stated "I passed!" knowing that she got online and paid to see her test results just made me anxious to know mine. I came home and entered all my information just to find out...I passed my boards.

Nursing boards...

As all of you know I took my nursing boards this last Tuesday. What you might not know is that it was the HARDEST test that I have ever encountered.

I am only confident of 25% of the questions that I had. Another 25% of the questions were over medications that I am unfamiliar with. Now the next 25% of the questions involved religion and if you know me I know very little, if anything, about religion. The last 25% was over diseases and nursing priorities that I singled down to two answers.

Seriously I walked out of that testing center knowing that I did not pass. It was a very long and quiet ride home. Now it takes 2-4 weeks to receive my results in the mail. That is a long, long time to wait for a test like this.

So I did what anyone in my position would do....pay the extra to get the results in two days. I received my test results a few hours ago...

A week has passed...

...and I haven't posted!!

I wanted to quickly get on and say I'm still here and alive. I will be back...no fear. It has been a hectic week and I haven't had time to get online except for a quick e-mail or my online classes.

I will be on soon to post...but I think I have writers block! Haha!

Testing, testing...

I'm nervous, I just booked my hotel for Monday in Des Moines.

Tuesday I have my nursing boards. I really do not know why I am posting this; I mean if I fail my boards you will all know now. Whoa...a big ole reality check.

A friend and I decided to make our testing times for the nursing boards at the same time that way we can get a room on Monday and Tuesday not make the drive to take that big scary test. Smart, I know.

Anyway, it is less than a week away and I haven't studied at all! That is a huge confidence booster! Ha ha! I work all this week so I am sure that I won't get much studying done but maybe I can study a bit this weekend...I'm not scheduled to work.

So Tuesday at 8 am I need everyone to cross their fingers for me. Passing my nursing boards is the only question that I haven't asked my magic 8ball. Hmm...

Dun, dun, dun...

Watermelon.

Today I ate watermelon, not any watermelon, seedless watermelon. It was good.

The kids and I went to their school to meet their teachers and they had a watermelon feed. I thought it was a great way for a teacher-student introduction. It seemed everyone was enjoying themselves.

Tomorrow school starts, my kids are excited and nervous. I work so I don't get to take them for their first day of school or pick them up. That disappoints me some but I think I will live...hopefully.

I'm charging my camera so in the morning I can take pictures of the kids for their first day of school.

I never sleep well on the night before big events...

What is your perfect date?

I was asked last night what my perfect date would be and I had a hard time answering this question because I can ultimately enjoy just about anything....with the right company. Don't get me wrong even with the right company I couldn't enjoy a Jackie Chan movie fest but anything else I think I can handle.

Now before I go on I need to ask what is your perfect date?

After a night of thinking about it I couldn't come up with an exact activity that would be considered a 'perfect date' for me. There are signs that I think that a date was going well and I guess if those signs are there, to me, that is a perfect date.

What are those signs you ask...hmm...

Laughter. That is simple if people are laughing they are smiling and having a good time. I love to laugh.

I should honestly back up to the arrival. My perfect date would arrive on time. I hate tardiness. I don't like to admit this but I would almost judge the date on if they arrived on time or not.

A good conversation. Nothing is better than being around someone you can hold a conversation with. It's okay to tease.

I notice all the small things, for example, is he looking at anyone else or if he drops me off at home does he wait till I get inside or does he pull away without knowing if I got inside. Things like that I tend to notice.

I'm sure that I can go on and on...but as you can tell I didn't have a specific date in mind...no picnic on the beach here or sunset walk.

Do people actually have a 'perfect date' in mind? I mean to me that is crazy. Let's say my perfect date was a picnic on the beach, and I guarentee it's not. Okay, I go on a date and this poor guy did the dinner and a movie date, would that be disappointing to me if my 'perfect date' was a picnic on the beach?

I decided I don't think I like the question "What is your perfect date".

Sleep...who needs it?

Oh the joys of having my kids home...

Today I have an all day meeting at the hospital so knowing this I sent the kids to bed around 9 so I could head to bed about 10. Well it was a great plan...

Around 11:30 my daughter woke up to a 'noise' so I made her a bed on the couch.

Around 1:00 my youngest had a 'pain' in his ankle.

Around 2:30 my youngest thought he needed to get up and run through the house.

Around 3:30 my middle child thought it was time to 'play' with the dog.

Around 5:00 my alarm decided it was time to get up.

Needless to say I am freakin' tired.

I am not quite sure what got into my children last night. They have been home since Thursday so they have slept here before. I don't get it. I am hoping that at daycare today they don't let my kids nap so they will sleep good tonight because I surly need the sleep. I can't run off of 3-4 hours of sleep anymore....I need sleep to function correctly.

How long...

I have recently been asked this question to which I couldn't reply like the person wanted. The question is:

"When do you let someone meet your kids?"

My answer was:

"When I feel comfortable introducing someone to my kids."

The person that asked me this question was almost irritated about my 'vague' answer. They wanted a date or a time frame or better yet an actual number of days. I tried explaining to this person that the time frame doesn't exist in this aspect of my life. Some friends never meet my kids while others meet my kids from the start. I was interrupted because it obviously was not concerning a friend meeting kids it was a possible significant other that would be meeting kids.

All I could do was go back to my original answer. I could hear the frustration in their voice. It was not what they wanted to hear.

I'm just curious about others...when would you allow your kids to meet someone? If you don't have kids than when would you expect to meet someone else's kids?

Now, this person that asked me the question was a female friend that is irritated that the guy she is interested in hasn't introduced his kids to her yet. I told her I thought that was great on his part and that got her angry. You see, she doesn't have any kids and well thinks that they have went on a few dates this last 6 weeks and wants to meet his kids.

I calmly explained to her that if he respects his kids that much...maybe she should respect him.

I also tried explaining that if she is going to demand to meet his kids she might as well kiss whatever possible relationship there could have been.....gone. She doesn't see it the way I do so maybe it is just me. I have been wrong before...but I doubt I am now.

Feeding the ducks.

This morning I got up and mowed. I guess I didn't know how difficult it was going to be with my kids. They were shooting me with water guns, Nerf guns, and of course running circles around me. At least the mowing got done.

We all got cleaned up and ran and rented a movie and I ended up buying four others. After picking out movies we went to Wal-Mart to get some popcorn, water, juice, and ice cream. As soon as we got everything put away we took a walk around the neighborhood and up to the kids school.

As we approach the school I hear someone yelling my name, hmm, I don't know too many people, I turn around and it was a lady that I work with at the hospital. I felt a bit stupid for not recognizing her. I tell you I am really bad at remembering people or names.

The kids and I walked back home and ate some cake and ice cream than sat down to watch a movie together. My daughter picked out 27 dresses. If you know me I am not into the girlie-girl movies. I will watch them and smile or laugh. All it did was make me want to plan my next wedding....how ridiculous is that?

My best friend stopped by with a present for Dalton. He received a metal detector. I got it put together and off the kids went. They didn't get out the door yet and the thing was going insane. The kids thought they hit the jackpot and I had to break the news that they were on the door jam. That's my kids. It made both my friend and I laugh.

My kids are now sleeping and I am just relaxing with my bud light. It's been a great weekend.

Busy day.

The kids and I got up fairly early to conquer all of the running we had to get done today. We got most of it accomplished. The kids got hair cuts, new shoes, birthday cake, and a great night of swimming.

We just got back from Family Fun Night at the Y. On Friday's they have open swim with either a huge air-filled elephant or alligator or a rock wall that you fall off into the water. Tonight it was the rock wall.

There was only one other family in the pool tonight and of course the one lifeguard. My kids attempted that rock wall all night...and got pretty high up. We raced and played basketball and than I decided to check how far my kids can swim underwater. All three kids made it from the deep end to the shallow....which is a long way. In fact the lifeguard came up to me and asked me how long my kids were in swimming lessons...in which I replied I taught my kids to swim myself. They did swimming lessons at the Y about 3-4 months ago and they were bored because it was under their skills. The lifeguard recommended that the kids take private lessons....hmm. He stated that normally private lessons accommodate 2 kids but he would make an exception and give lessons to all 3.

The kids got about 3/4 of the way up the rock wall and could not get that final stretch. My daughter can make it up to the top on the normal rock wall, but she had trouble with this one. I cheered them on and even tried to bribe them with ice cream if they could touch the top. Nobody could make it and not because of lack of effort though.

It was a great night and tomorrow the kids want to go play basketball and afterwards a movie and ice cream.

It is funny how hearing my kids playing and feeling their hugs can make me feel so important and so loved. I am so thankful to be their mom, they are great kids.

My kids are....home!

Last night my kids made it home. They all look so much bigger and they got tan-very tan.

My day today:

Spoil my kids rotton.

Catching up on laundry. I have so far done 6 loads of laundry.

Going to the Y to register the kids in activities.

Getting haircuts.

Buying shoes.

Mowing the yard.

Eating birthday cake.

But most of all I am going to smother my kids with kisses and hugs!

The waiting game...

It is now 4:32 pm...where are my kids?

It's not looking good. I might be making the trip in the morning. Hopefully it is just my ex-husband trying to be mean and will have the kids here soon. Of course he wouldn't answer my call or text concerning if he was bringing the kids down.

I called my daughter's cell and left her a text message but my ex-husband does not let her hold on to it when she brings it. Even when the only reason she has it is to stay in contact with me. Only emergency numbers are programmed in it.

I guess I just have to wait....

A possible upcoming warning

Last night I had a hard time sleeping. I tossed and turned throughout the night. It seems that I had let my emotions get the better of me. Well, not now. I'm over it. Well, I am not over it but I accepted the facts. A bit of a difference.

So a prewarning...I might not be around the end of the week through the weekend. It seems that I might be driving across the state to get my kids and see my friends and family. If I go I will take some pictures...if I remember to charge my camera!

Today I start the day shift at the hospital. I'm nervous but I'm sure everything will be fine.

I'm sure I will update how it went.

I promise to tell the truth and nothing but the truth...

I feel angry...yup...my emotions are getting the best of me tonight.

My ex-husband is flat out refusing to bring my kids home. I have went all summer with out seeing them and I was super excited on seeing them when I got off work on Thursday.

He is telling me that he is not bringing them home and that I can drive up and get them. He states he pays too much in child support so he is not going to make the drive.

I have tried since Friday to get a hold of my kids and he won't let me talk to them. He refuses to call me back and won't respond to any text messages concerning my want and right to talk to my kids.

At the beginning of the summer we made an arrangement that he was going to drop the kids off at the end of the summer. He knew this and agreed to it.

I won't be able to pick up my kids on Thursday because I work and so I will have to make the trip on Friday, my youngest child's birthday.

It just makes me so angry that he is this way all the time. I am not perfect, far from it, but I do know I put my kids first and I am a good mom. To see this man do the opposite is just disappointing.

How do I know he can't afford the trip? I don't. I assume and that is wrong on my part. He has a two income home and she also receives child support. It's just me here. He races stock cars, gets new toys all the time, and I feel like I make all the necessary sacrifices to give my kids a better life.

On the flip side I will be able to see my family and friends if I make the trip up to Sioux City. I will be able to go to my favorite place in the world...the tattoo shop. My dad has my graduation present up there that he wants to give me. So it wouldn't be a bad thing to make the trip. It's more of the way my ex-husband goes around to do this sort of thing; like last minute with a side of guilt.

Anyway, supposedly he is getting a lawyer which means we will be going to court again.

Statistics, mexican, and shopping...

So today after my long day at clinical I ran out to get my books for my online classes for next term. Taking the classes online is going to stretch out my nursing degree a couple more semesters but I really don't have much of a choice beings I am a single mom and want to be there for my kids. Got to take the pros and the cons.

I picked up my Statistics, Art Appreciation, and Advanced Pharmacology books at the college bookstore. Now, I love math but after flipping through the pages I have become slightly intimidated. I took up to calculus in high school, so I believe that I will be fine...but that was so long ago! Statistics is transferable for my bachelors too.

After getting my books a dear friend called to invite me to a bar-b-que tomorrow, which I gratefully accepted. I am looking forward to my extra burnt new york strip. Yummy. Shortly after making plans for tomorrow a different friend asked me to supper tonight. We had some good ole mexican. MmmMmm.

I ran to the mall and ended up doing some not needed shopping. Oh well, you only live once right? That is my excuse.

I have recently decided that I am going to join the gym. I know that the kids and I will greatly benefit from having a gym membership. So at dinner tonight I did what I do best...talk...and now have got my friend wanting to join. Yea-I might have a partner to go with. I do plan on joining this week so hopefully if i don't kill over from my body going in to shock of exercising I will post about my triumphs and some bumps that might be in the road.

Life sucks... get it over it.

We all have been around and some even have been one of those people that go around stating and restating how bad life is. My advice to these attention seeking people....get over it...stop looking for pity. Everyone has rough times in life. Now, I think I said it harshly. It is okay to vent or talk to a friend when you are down in the dumps or depressed, but when all you do is go around and play that sad song on the violin....err...that just gets to me.

Life is not out to get 'revenge' on people. I have had a few crappy years in my life, and I am expecting that I will have a few more. Fact: Life is not fair. So when you start feeling sorry for yourself, simply, STOP and realize some of the good that you do have. Believe it or not there is someone out there that has a worse life. Everyone has positives about themselves, some are hilarious, some are intelligent, some are great communicators, etc. You have something great about yourself. And to someone you might be a huge influence. Everyone matters to someone.

Now I am guilty of this times a million. I live my life for others most of the time. This is different than doing something for someone else. I am finally realizing. You have got to figure out what it is important for you in life; get to know yourself. Yes, I know my friends, family, kids, co workers better than I know myself, most of the time. I live to make people happy. Now I just have to shift that a bit to make sure I am living my life for me. In a nut shell, take care of yourself or you can't take care of anyone else.

If you find yourself comparing your life to someone else, remember you never know what goes on behind closed doors. They may not be as happy as you think. They may have a huge house, fancy car but could be on the verge of bankruptcy. It is all on how a person portrays themselves.

Whenever you hear yourself thinking a negative comment about yourself try and instantly replace it with a positive one. Just don't get lost in self-pity. Remember you have the ability to change your outlook and your situation-it sometimes just takes work or change.

I write this today because I, myself, was starting to play the old violin, and decided not to. I enjoy life to much to get down over something so trivial.

Why do people lie?

I'm curious, and please answer, why is it that people lie? I will be honest, I have lied a time or two in my day, and I probably will again. My lies are not huge lies, they are just little ones like "Oh, I like that shirt." I don't go off the deep and and say I'm not dating someone when I am or vice versa.

Why is it people think that it is easier to tell a lie than to tell the truth? If you met someone new, would you lie to your significant other and make up some other reason to break it off or would you just explain that you met someone new?

Would you tell someone that you liked them but only a few days later withdraw that notion?

Do you tell your friends that you are going to be there and you are not?

Do people lie because it is easier for them or they may think it is easier for the other person? Or maybe they lie to fit in. Or because they don't want to let someone down.

Why are some of the reasons I have lied? Good question.

I have lied to spare someones feelings. Go back to the "Oh, I like that shirt", does that really effect the person that I lied?

I have lied to spare myself from getting lectured. "No, I didn't go out of town." It was easier to just pretend it didn't happen than to endure a 3 hour lecture about how dangerous it was.

Anyway, no matter the reason of lying and I know everyone has lied, but my question now is how did lying make you feel?

I have always felt like I betrayed someone or belittled their intelligence. To me it just isn't worth it. I like to talk way too much to be able to keep lies straight anyway!

My "shopping list"...

Do you have an ideal partner sketched out in your head? I think most of us do to some extent, I know I do. Of course honesty, intelligence, sense of humor, stability, communication, and the want to work on a relationship (whatever type of relationship this is) are on top of the traits that I look for. As you can tell looks appear nowhere on my list. I am not shallow. Obviously I am more attracted to an intelligent man with great communication skills over the man with the bod of steel. That is just me.

Now, I went a bit further with what traits that I am looking for in that potential partner. I challenge you to do the same.

Obviously I want someone that has a positive outlook in life. There is nothing worse than being around a "Negative Nancy". In this so category I would look to see that they focus on the solution rather than the problems, they see good in others and in other situations, and than they can turn a obstacle into an opportunity. A positive outlook in life rates high up there in my shopping list of a potential partner.

I'm also looking for someone that is able to keep a clean house and can handle their own finances. They hold up their end of a promise or commitment. They are timely and don't let people down. This shows that they have respect and are responsible.

I am also attracted to someone that has the want of personal growth as I do. I am always looking for a way to be a better partner and I am wanting someone that cares enough to do the same. Basically you have got to have goals for some sort of self-improvement. Nobody is perfect and everyone can improve one way or another. Life is a learning opportunity....so take advantage of it.

Honesty. This one is self explanatory I would think, but just in case I will explain. I want someone who is not only honest to me, but honest to themselves. No playing games....unless it is connect four. Playing games with someones feelings or emotions hurt and I will not tolerate someone who participates in those acts.

I thrive on stability. I don't think money is everything...in fact I could care less about what type of job someone has...as long as they are stable. So I want someone who is stable in life.

Communication of feelings. I love to talk as most of you know. I spill my feelings, thoughts, wants, ideas openly. Now, I am not asking a potential partner to do the same but I would expect they can communicate with me. I may not have the answers but heck it sure does make a person feel needed and wanted if they communicate about everything. Oh, a disclaimer: I do not talk about intimate conversations with anyone else, I leave those to the bedroom.

Anyway, I get asked a lot what is it that I am looking for, and I usually rattle off honesty, communication, sense of humor, etc. I decided to go in better detail, not only for others, but for myself. I like to see things on paper.

Like I said earlier, I challenge you to do the same. Make your own shopping list for a potential partner and go in more detail. Oh, don't forgot to examine inwards to yourself.

I must be cheap!

Twenty-eight dollars is all it must cost for these "sexual favors".

Last school fund raiser, my daughter sold candles, and my best friend wrote me out a check which I found to be hilarious. I wonder do you think the bank even notices things like that? I dunno.

The best candy bar....EVER!

Of course I was sifting through pictures and came across these, Twin Bing. This is my all time favorite candy bar, and look it is made in my hometown...good ole Sioux City, Iowa. I can't find Twin Bing's around here so every so often I talk my ex husband in bringing me a case. I tell you what, they don't last long around here. If my adopted mom or some friends know I have them...they are gone... and quickly. I used to mail my aunt in Texas some throughout the year because she too loves them but they do not sell them in Texas. It's been awhile since I had one...hmm...I might have to do something about that.

Texas

I talked to my aunt today, who lives in Texas and she is adamant on trying to get me to move to the large state. In fact she thinks that I should come visit and get a Texas drivers license. See if I get a drivers license now than I can move down in 6 months and be a Texas resident so I can get the in-state college rates. She has it all figured out.

Don't get me wrong, I love my aunt, and I know she is just wanting to help. She said we could live in her house and she would watch my kids while I finish my degree. Don't get me wrong she has a very nice house and it is big enough for us all. But I think I want to do this here, in Iowa.

So thinking about our conversation I started to look at the pictures from the last time Tiana and I visited her over this last Christmas.

When we were there we visited my favorite era....Medieval Times. I went there when I was 14 and was crowned the Lady of Luck for my red knight. He gave me his colors and a rose. I thought that was the most amazing thing ever. Tiana got a carnation from out yellow night this last time.

I always have fun visiting....but my home is in the good ole midwest...at least for now...

In remembrance of "bladdy" my gallbladder.

Two years ago today I had my gallbladder removed. I remember it as it was only yesterday…

I was living in an apartment with my kids after my husband and I separated and it was about, oh, 4 in the morning on August 7th when I was awaken by a stabbing pain in my stomach. I tried everything that I could think of to relieve this pain. I tried pacing the hallways and soaking in a hot bath, which really worked before. After about an hour the pain just brought me to tears and I knew I needed to see a doctor.

I called the kids dad and asked him to come get the kids so I could go out to the hospital. He told me he would be right over. I sat on my couch for hours and finally I lay on the floor, for some reason the hard floor was more comforting than the couch. Time just kept passing by and no sign of the kids dad. It was about 10 in the morning and he finally showed up and seen that I was laying on the floor and said if you were in that much pain why didn’t you just call an ambulance. I muttered back because I have 3 kids and their dad was going to be right over to watch them.

I ended up driving myself to the hospital where I must of looked sick and in pain because immediately they started an IV of morphine, my first time having any strong narcotics. After the IV I got carted to the ultrasound room where it was confirmed I had masses of gallstones both in my ducts and gallbladder. I asked the nice person observing my gallbladder to print me off a picture, in which they did.

I was going to need surgery. The surgeon came to my room and explained the procedure. He explained that I had a lot of gallstones and that he was going to try and do laparoscopic surgery but if when he tries and can’t get all the stones he will have to do open surgery.

I remember very well his voice and very well the complications to surgery…death. He explained that any time someone is under anesthesia there is a chance in death. I sat there alone thinking that the doctor told me I was going to not survive surgery.

I called my kids, mom and dad, my sister, my friends and told them I would be under the knife in less than 2 hours. I was seriously scared.

An hour passed and the nurse came in to tell me that they were going to postpone the surgery till tomorrow, August 8th, because there was an accident and the surgeon is, well, in surgery. Phew…this relieved me a bit until I thought of the date.

August 8th is my unlucky day. I just knew I wasn’t going to make it out alive. “Bladdy”, my gallbladder, had won; he got the best of me. Of course, I kept all these fears to myself.

The next morning I was prepped for surgery and I remember being asked if I had any jewelry on because it would have to be removed beforehand. I cringed and mumbled, yes, I have jewelry on. The nurse looked at my ears and my hands and asked where. I explained where and told her I was not removing my jewelry. She talked to the surgeon and he said we had to put sterile gauze over my piercings and I could keep them. Thankfully.

I remember being wheeled into the surgery room, I was still awake! Usually they sedate you before getting you to the surgical room. Than I hear count back from 100. So I did 100…99….98…97…I was out.

I woke up from surgery sick; anesthesia got the better of me. I was returned back to my room where I was afraid to look at my stomach, as I didn’t want to know if I had laparoscopic or open surgery. The surgeon came to visit me and explained everything when quickly and great. I had laparoscopic surgery.

It’s funny because a friend of mine visited me right after surgery and said her back was hurting and I joked it’s your gallbladder. Well it was. She had hers removed the next morning and was sent home within 4 hours of surgery, and I was left in the hospital for 5 days.

So thank you “Bladdy” for going on your merry way. I would love to say you are missed but that would be a lie. You caused much pain in my life and frankly I am glad that you are gone.

Winter is around the corner...

With school starting soon and summer coming to an end I decided it was time to find some of my winter pictures. These were taken last year during the big ice storm that kept us out of electricity for 5 days. Talk about bad luck for someone who still has a nightlight to sleep because she is afraid of the dark!

I believe winter is so beautiful; I love the ice on the trees and the untouched snow. Than comes the shoveling and well it is freakin cold. Last winter I attempted to sled and went over the retaining wall at my adopted mom's house, thankfully it was only about a 3-4 foot drop but I slid right into the doghouse. I was seriously sore for a week. This year I might sit on the sidelines....I doubt it!

I should get a toboggan so the kids and I can all fit on the one sled. Growing up we had a toboggan that fit about 5-6 people and I was forbidden to touch. It was my father's and he broke his leg on it when him and some friends attempted to sled and went off a steep wall, I believe. So of course that meant that I could not touch it growing up.

I was about 14 and I took that toboggan outside and climbed to the top of the hill we lived on and man that thing went fast. I got in trouble, obviously, for disobeying. I'm not even sure if my father still has it.

Hmm...I wonder where one would get a toboggan....any idea?

Emergency calls...

This afternoon I had received a hysterical phone call, my best friend’s son was unconscious and they were on their way to the hospital. I asked do you need me at the hospital or at the house; I was told to the house. So I went over to the house and sat with her boyfriend and her two other sons. After a bit I received a call asking me to come up to the hospital, so I did.

When I got up there everything was fine; he was up and moving around. He has a history of seizures so it is thought he had a seizure and fell of his bike. I know from personal experience it is horrific, Ian has had seizures and lost conscious too. It is a horrible feeling to have something go wrong with your child, or any child.

While I was waiting in the room one of the paramedics, that I knew, waved me in to the hallway. He asked me if everything was okay and asked me if it was my child. I explained it wasn’t but I appreciate the concern. My adopted mom came out to the hallway and said Heather, can’t I take you anywhere? I can’t take you to Wal-Mart even without someone hitting on you.

I was so embarrassed and I introduced her to the paramedic, who happens to be in nursing school with me. Oh, was all she replied and went back in the room. So of course the paramedic is giving me grief on “not being able to take me anywhere”. I’ll never live this down. It was funny though, embarrassing, but funny.

Kids are precious and times like this makes me appreciate my kids so very much more.

Now that is what I am talking about...

Hey Heather!
You scored 145 on our IQ Test.
Your IQ Range is Above 140 and you are EXTREMELY INTELLIGENT.

Congratulations on completing our IQ test! Based on your answers to the test questions, your IQ is above 140. IQ scores are based on a scale where a score of 100 is the average score. By scoring higher than 100, you have shown that you have a higher than average intelligence level. Your score range of above 140 is the highest category and indicates that you are extremely intelligent, so again, congratulations are in order! Your intelligence level can say a lot about how you approach life. By having a high score, you are someone who can face their challenges and often overcome them easily. You look at the world and are able to make sense of it by fitting together the pieces of the puzzle.

Thank you for taking our fun IQ test!

Down to one...job that is...

Last night I went to work a bit early to explain my situation to one of the managers...I went in to quit. I, of course, gave my notice and explained I will be there to finish my schedule.

With getting the full time day position I don't want to work an additional part time job and go to school. I explained I went and am going to school in health care, and I couldn't pass up the great opportunity of not only getting the hospital job but working days as a single mom...I can be with my kids.

The manager that I talked to congratulated me and told me that they understood and they appreciate that I will finish out my schedule. I clocked in and told myself I wasn't going to tell any of my co-workers. About a hour later a different manager came up to me in front of my co-workers and said we are going to miss you here are you sure you can't work a couple of days a week or every other weekend. I, again, explained my job offer from the hospital and how I could not turn down that opportunity. I was asked to come talk to the managers on Friday, my day off, I agreed to do so. After that I heard something about my leaving every 15 minutes from my co-workers. The majority of them wished me the best of luck and congratulated me on my job offer.

This brings me to I hate quitting a job. I always get nervous and somehow feel that I am letting someone down. I know that the job will go on without me, I am only one person. The 15-20 hours a week that I was there can easily be replaced.

On another note, and more importantly, my kids come home in 1 week! This summer has gone quickly and I am down to my final countdown on my kids returning home. They are just as excited as I am.

We have got a lot to get done before school starts. In fact I went down to make sure that everything was okay with the kids transfer to the new school, and it was. I just am over anal about checking and rechecking things. I was explained that the teachers list will be posted on the 15th and on the 19th there is going to be "meet your teacher" night with a big watermelon feed. So I am sure the kids and I will go and participate. I like to participate in as many of the school activities that I can throughout the year.

I think tonight...fresh squeezed lemonade and a good book. Nothing like enjoying a summer night.

Knee pads.....anyone?

Today was my last day at the mental health facility that I was at. It was a great clinical rotation and I learned a lot.

We played volleyball with a few patients today and well I must have thought I was back in high school, I dove for the ball...and hit it...but not thinking my knees hit the gym floor. They are all red and have skin abrasions. Small price to pay for what playing volleyball does for these patients. It gets them up moving, laughing, smiling and it helps with concentration and motor skills. Oh and it is fun!

Not a negative experience at all during mental health.

I still have 2 days of mental health left but that will be when I job shadow a mental health case manager next week. Sounds like it is an interesting job; you get to set your own hours, days off, etc. Hmm...and it deals with mental health...

Is there gold at the end of the rainbow?

Well, I called the lady who makes the hospital schedule today; she bluntly asked me if I could work days. Are you kidding me? I would LOVE to work days over second shift. Not only that she gave me a heads up that a full time position, days, is available and if I want it to call the boss tomorrow and fill out a piece of paper and it can be mine.

I couldn't believe it. I didn't think I would ever get days. That saves me so much in daycare and time away from my kids. It's been a hectic summer but I do believe the sun is shinning now.

Hopefully I get a hold of the boss in the morning to tell her I want it. If I end up getting the full time position I might be quitting my other job...I can only hope!

Now, of course, I'm trying not to count my chickens before they hatch....but it isn't easy to do.

I must consult my magic 8 ball....

I have a question...

Can you be too committed in a relationship? Now theoretically speaking this is a realtionship with a good foundation and everything is just dandy. Do you think people over commit themselves? How? Why?

I'm just curious of what others may think. I know some of you reply back to my e-mail instead of leaving a comment and that is fine. Whatever the way I would just appreciate a response.

I think I am an over committer. Is that even a word? I won't go into my thoughts about this but I will respond to the ones that I get....like always.

Enjoy your day!

Bye-bye plastic

Today I had to run to the bank to cancel and reissue a debit card. I don’t know what it is about misplacing that specific piece of plastic, but I have been doing so often this last year. In fact I have prided myself of never losing anything of the sort. Now, in the last 12 months this is the 6th time I lost my bank card. What is going on? Can I seriously be misplacing that card every 2 months? I guess so.

I haven’t lost anything else, checks, credit cards, license, social security cards, they are still there. What is it about my ocean scene bankcard that I keep losing it? Anyway I should have a new card in a week they said. Good thing I can keep my same pin because losing it that often I don’t know how I would keep track of what pin to use.

I hope that everyone enjoys their weekend. I get to work. I also might clean the basement, hopefully…well maybe…we will see.

Date or else.

My adopted mom told me two days ago that I need to start dating; that either I find someone to date or she was going to.

Now with her saying this I want to know why she thinks I need to date. Am I being grouchy? I don't think so. Am I complaining of not having a guy? Sometimes...I make a few comments now and again. But why does she want me to have a guy around so bad? I don't know.

I am a fairly busy person. I go to school, work two jobs, keep up the house and yard, and I have 3 kids. Does she think I need help with something?

Anyway, it has been one of those days....you know the kind you don't ever want to repeat. I tell you what I really wish my ex-husband would grow up slightly. There is nothing that I hate more than trying to talk to someone and they hang up because they don't like what you have said. It seriously frustrates me!

I don't ask for my ex-husband to do anything more than needed when it comes to the kids. He pays his child support and I support the kids with that money. School time comes around and I have already bought all the school clothes and supplies for my kids. I asked him to get the kids a hair cut because I am sure they need one, they have been up there all summer. And he said that he pays child support so he doesn't feel like he should have to do any extras. Can you believe that? I pay for swimming lessons, clothes, food, all of lives essentials, and I ask him to get the kids a ten dollar a piece hair cut and it is too much to ask for?

Yes, I know he pays his child support. And I am thankful for that. I have went out of my way for this guy even after we got divorced. Heck, he couldn't have bought his last car if it wasn't for me. I have been flexible with visitations to work around his needs. And a haircut was too much to ask. It's not that I don't have the money to get my kids a haircut, I'll get them a haircut, it's that my kids have been gone all summer and need a haircut and they are not here for me to take them to get one....and he is their dad.

And my adopted mom thinks that I need to date. Please.

I finished my book.

I woke up at 6:30 this morning with no alarm or any need to rush to get anywhere. It was serene.

I got up and turned my air-conditioner up—till it got real cold in here—propped my pillows on my headboard, climbed back into bed, covered up with my comforter, and finished the book I started on that stormy night. It was good. It has been a long time that I have finished a book. In fact it has been a long time that I did any sort of reading outside of my nursing books. I enjoyed it entirely.

Now it is after 1:30 in the afternoon and the only thing I have accomplished is giving myself hypothermia and the knowledge of who was behind the murders in the book I have just read. It is extremely cold in here. I actually finished the book a few hours ago but I laid in bed to think—to think in quiet. It was peaceful and I did get to review some of the thoughts and issues in my life without feeling ‘rushed’. I am thankful for today.

Other than that I have to wish James a Happy 40th Birthday! I truly hope that the rain has not ruined your Nascar Night. If it hasn’t—I expect some great pictures—ahem—Tony Stewart. Enjoy your birthday!!

I don't like your voice...

I have heard many strange things in my life and I am positive I will hear many more—I can only hope. I love unusual comments and statements…more so when they are directed at someone else and not myself, but it does happen.

Today I was attending a group on social interactions. In this group we were handed a piece of paper and we needed to write our fears. I wrote down my most common fears:

I have a fear of the dark.
I have a fear of bridges.
I have a fear of worms.
I have a fear of losing a loved one.
I have a fear of talking in large groups.
I have a fear of failure.

Well you get the point.

Anyway, as people were making their lists the gentleman sitting across from me stated “I am very schizophrenic and I don’t like your voice.” I haven’t spoken a word since being in that room. I looked at him and replied “What is it about my voice that you don’t like?” He thought for a minute and stated “Shut up and kiss me!” I calmly answered “That is not going to happen.”

The other student that was in this social interaction group with me was seriously scared about the comments made to me. She is obviously not going to go into psychiatric nursing. She doesn’t want to be left alone with any of the patients. Myself, I love it!

I know that I was just hired at the Family Recovery Center, and I do plan on staying there but man it is hard not to go and apply at the mental institution.

A Beautiful Mind...

It was another great day in my mental health rotation. Today my patient picked me.

Our picnic at the park was cancelled do to the storms last night. Some of the patients were upset about this while others were relieved. To be honest I was slightly relieved, but I would have gone and enjoyed myself.

Today I played basketball against a man around my age. Well, at first I stood back and watched. He was good. I approached him and he seemed highly disinterested in my interrupting his shooting. After I ‘proved’ myself worthy of shooting hoops—he started having fun. Yes, I can shoot a basketball—and pretty darn good too! He invited me to play again tomorrow. I accepted. He is not my patient. My patient is a middle-age woman. She is very shy, and seems like she has no self worth. I enjoyed the conversations that she and I had. She let me right into her life and made me feel welcome in the process.

We only get to talk to our patients about 15-20 minutes a day. Doesn’t sound like much, does it? It’s not. We make an appointment with them and than the rest of the day we join activities or go to group therapies, etc. Today I went shopping with a handful of patients. To be honest you would not have known that these individuals have psychiatric problems; the majority of them are fairly controlled. It was a fun experience.

Have you ever seen A Beautiful Mind? There is an amazing patient at the facility that reminds me of that movie. Some of these patients live in their own little worlds some live in two different worlds, but whatever world it is I am enjoying this.

A lot of the patients have drug induced psychiatric problems. Using too many drugs can rewire your brain and honestly make you have a mental illness. I think they call it something like drug induce schizophrenia. Most of them realize that they have failed society and now have such low self esteem that they fear that nobody will give them a second chance. They thrive on seeing us, the nursing students, making fools out of ourselves. This I do well and I don’t even have to try.

I don’t want anyone to think that I don’t know that there is a bad side to mental health nursing—the episodes. I have seen a few of those too. I have seen some bizarre things to be honest. I have even heard some pretty violent and strange things come out of these patients’ mouths. Anything from wanting to slit a person’s throat to seeing someone burns themselves with the flame of a lighter.

It is kind of funny to see how the majority of the nursing group doesn’t like this rotation; in fact, they are counting down the days to be out of there. They are out of their element. Not me, I think I found what I was looking for in nursing.

I’m strange.

No power AGAIN!

Last night I decided I was going to cook myself supper. With it just being me, myself, and I; I haven't done much cooking. In fact, last night was the first time my oven in my new stove has been turned on.

I had my dinner in the oven and I start hearing thunder and seeing the lightening flashing. I love to watch storms so I sat on my porch for awhile. I came inside and my lights were a flickering on and off. Darn it..I knew that my power was going to go out so I get in the freezer and pop a microwave meal in and no more than thirty seconds after that...boom...my power was out!

Thinking that it might come back on....I waited. It didn't. I ended up throwing out both meals and running to wal-mart for something to eat. Not thinking while I was there to grab a flashlight or candles-I came home to a dark house.

Good thing it was still kinda light out because I put on a cowboy hat, took out a blanket, and sat on the porch and read 23 chapters in a book. Which was nice.

The storm did a lot to this neighborhood. My neighbor has a huge tree that I am becoming more and more leary about it falling into either hers or my house one of these times. It had a big 15 foot branch fall and block the road. I wish I would have took a picture. It is not blocking the road now but it is still on the parking. If they haven't cut it up when I get back from clinical I will try and remember to take some pictures. Oh, and the alley is blocked by a tree that fell.

Anyway, we were out of electricity for about five to six hours. I am truly sick of not having power. Like I have a choice when nature takes over. The worst thing this time was I had my clothes in the wash so I had to stay up till the power came on...I needed the clothes to be done for this morning.

Now I got myself drawn into a good book and well flashing clocks everywhere that need to be set. Oh, and don't forget the thousands of branches strung out all over my yard that I will have to clean up before I mow.

At least I have something to look forward to...

What I wouldn't do...

Have you ever had one of those days that you come home and just want someone to spoil you? Of course you have. That is me today.

My feet are throbbing! What I wouldn't do for a great foot massage. MmmmMmmm....

I guess I will be soaking them later even though it is not the same as a massage. See there are reasons that I want a guy in my life...but I have more reasons not to date right now.

Anyway...

Tomorrow at clinicals we are going to spend the day at the park and pick out our patient. I think I might let the patient pick me out instead. We will see.

Guilt is in the air.

I feel guilty. There is this guy, a very nice guy, which he keeps asking to “hang out”. I always make up an excuse to be polite. Sometimes I am too busy or sometimes I am too tired. The truth is I don’t want to date right now—not anyone.

I don’t have a good track record with men in my life. These numbers are not large but obviously these connections have never worked out. Did I give up on one day establishing a relationship with a man? No. I simply need to find out what it is that I do that don’t keep a man after the initial dating period.

I also want to wait on dating because of my kids. I don’t like to introduce kids to a guy that may or may not be in their life. My kids get attached to someone and if it doesn’t work out I have 4 broken hearts to deal with—not just my own. To me the worst is trying to explain to a kid why so and so is not going to be around anymore. I can’t even begin to tell you the hurt that you see in their eyes when they liked someone and than the questions that come out of their mouths!

A quick side note—my daughter has a magic 8ball at my sisters’ house. My sister called and told me that this last week she was asking that magic 8ball if so and so still liked my mom and if they would date again. This broke my heart to see that she lost a male role model and a friend. I can’t do that to my kids again. They have not had a consistent male in their lives—ever. That sounds bad on my part but I have only introduced them to one man that I have dated and they knew one man that I dated prior to us dating. The kids dads are not consistent in their life either...that was part of my point. I don't want to come off as an 'easy' person because it's not that way.

Now, it is not in my nature to be down right mean to this man who is adamant on dating. So I have recently talked to this man and told him I am not dating anyone right now. I can be your friend but nothing more. He agrees, but than after a week he goes right back to the same way. I find myself ignoring calls and not answering e-mails. I feel guilty about this; it is not who I want to be.

I don’t have an answer on when I will want a man in my life. It might be a few months or even longer than a year. I don’t know. I do know that I obviously have some changes to make to myself. I am one of those ‘go with the flow’ types when dating someone—from experience this does not work. I also forget how to be me when I am teeter-tottering on how the person feels about me. I am sure there is more that I need to work on before I jump out into dating again.

Sometimes I even surprise myself

I think I want another baby. Yup, you read that right. Now, I’m not saying I am going to have another baby. First off let’s rationalize this:

I have three wonderful kids. My oldest 10 ½, my middle 8 ½, and my youngest will be 7 in a few weeks. Why in the world would I give up the little freedom I get when they are in school?

Next, I am not even dating anyone, so there is no possibility of getting pregnant. I don’t want to date someone to get pregnant. There will be no accidents here.

I have a three bedroom house. I don’t have another room for a baby. That is unless I want to add on or move, but neither are an option to me right now.

I am working two jobs and attending school, well at least the clinical portion this term. I have too much on my plate right now so why in the heck would I want to add to it?

See after rationalizing all the above and more, I do completely and competently understand that I do not need another baby, however, I never stated that I needed another baby just that I wanted another baby. There is a difference between the two statements.

Now I sit and wonder what it is about a baby that I want so desperately; I can make a list a mile long.

No, I am not going to run out and get pregnant. In fact, I am pretty sure I will not have another baby. I do, however, think I might look into foster care or even the big brother big sister programs. Now saying that, it won’t be in my near future beings I have my three kids that I need to take care of first and foremost.

Sometimes I even surprise myself with the thoughts that go through my head.

This is not something that I woke up and said to myself this morning; this is something that I have been thinking for a good year. I just wanted to see it in writing.

It is complicated how your emotional side can yearn for something that your intellectual side knows isn’t the best, if it is for the time or situation or whatever it might be.

Study, study, study...

Today I received me National Council Licensure Examination AUTHORIZATION TO TEST!!!

Basically a long drawn out name for I can take my nursing boards.

I went from being excited to fearful. I don't know if I remember anything!

I guess I will scheduale an appointment and than study, study, study....

I have very mixed feelings about this. If I pass I am a nurse....if I fail I'm not. Simple.

Anyway, I hope everyone enjoys the weekend!!!!

My yesterday...

Yesterday was a busy day for me. I had my new curtains delivered and hung in the kitchen. My ‘adopted’ mom can sew and well she made me some patriotic curtains to match my kitchen. They look awesome. I asked her when she is going to teach me to sew and for some reason she just laughs. So I take that as a negative. Hmm…

In the afternoon I had to go and interview different in-home childcare providers. I think I might have found the one that I will trust to watch my kids while I am working. Unfortunately it is not in my home and it’s not a man. Hmm…I could dream, right? Honestly I really liked what I seen at this person’s house and I liked the structure and schedule that she has to run her childcare. Now I just got see what the kids think of her when they start over there. I always say it is a ‘trial basis’ until the kids tell me their opinions of the care they receive. My kids are older and I can trust their input.

After that I had to run around town and get some shopping and errands done. I usually love to shop but for some reason I didn’t yesterday.

I ran over to my ‘adopted’ mom’s house because I was going to borrow their shop vac. While I was there I filled out the mounds of paperwork associated with a new daycare provider. We chatted and I ended up coming home.

I talked to my kids when I got home and told them all about their ‘trial’ childcare. They are excited to come home. Thankfully; I was beginning to think they would never miss home. It was great to hear. Only a few more weeks and I can’t wait. In fact my ‘adopted’ mom offered to drive me to meet the kids at the halfway point of Guthrie Center to get the kids. She must be missing them too. I can’t commit myself to that because I might be working that day.

After I talked to my kids I strung the weed eater and decided I would weed eat ‘later’. Yup, at times I am a procrastinator.

I came inside and fell asleep around 8:30. I must have been tired. I know that I woke up on occasion during the night but honestly I slept almost 11 hours. That is about 5 hours more than normal. I must have needed it.

Tomorrow my ‘adopted’ family is going to the casino about an hour and twenty minutes from here and they want me to go. You see gambling is a weakness for me and I would love to go but I had to decline the offer beings I have an all day meeting tomorrow at the hospital.

I can’t believe I just wrote about nothing. I really haven’t had anything exciting happen in the last day or two. Knock-on-wood! I don’t want to jinx myself.

Oh, I guess I can say that my first ex-husband called me and said “Is this Heather.” I reply “Yes. Who the hell is this?” “Keith” he mumbled back. It was definitely one of those moments you dread; my stomach was clenched. He talked very nice and apologized for not being there to help with Tiana. I didn’t say much but I was thinking oh yeah, the decade that you weren’t here.

See in my previous post I stated something like forgiveness was hard for me, more so if it is to forgive myself. Now this is the exception to that. Is it possible to forgive this man? I don’t know. I really don’t know if I want to. Now 2 months ago I would have been saying well he might have changed, just wait and see. Today I don’t want to look for the good in people anymore. I know that sounds crazy but I feel like I have been taken advantage of too many times or walked on because I tried to ‘understand’ everyone. I guess this one he is going to have to prove that he is worthy to see my daughter. He can’t expect a big welcome; he is a stranger in her life.

What is happiness?

We all say we want happiness, but what is your definition of happiness? Are you going to actually work for your happiness?

I believe that true happiness is a result of giving and not of receiving. This puts off many people from achieving it for their own. They don't want to make the personal sacrifices required to obtain it for themselves and of course all they can do is resent and hate those who have found it. "Remember it takes as much energy to be miserable as it does to be happy." Knowing this why would I want anything but to be happy? I found out that you need to decide what makes you happy and don't settle for anything less.

Genuinely happy people are different from everyone else; almost like the have some special trait or gene that passed up the rest of the population. Now I ask myself how is it that some people have this mentality and others do not. Can it be as simple as one chooses to simply be happy and not dwell on the negatives? Hmm…just a thought.

Personal happiness depends on the attitude you have decided to have towards life, towards others and especially toward yourself. For example, if you look at life as always knocking you down or never giving you a break…would you be happy? How about if you thought that you didn’t measure up to everyone else in life…your job wasn’t good enough, your house wasn’t big enough…is that happiness? I don’t think so. Appreciation of what we have relates to true happiness. It is very easy to look at what we don’t have instead of looking at what we do have. When we stop being grateful or thankful or appreciative, our entire emotional outlook suffers. Ungratefulness and lack of appreciation is a very ugly trait in someone, don’t you think?

Do you agree or not?

Now this is hard for me; the ability to forgive others and myself. If you know me; I have a hard time forgiving….more so myself. I make mistakes and I just focus on them and tear myself down. So I decided that I need to work on forgiving myself. I find it easier to forgive others because I rationalize their behaviors and actions; sometimes I just make excuses for them. At times I even chalk it up to they are ignorant and don't realize the impact of their behavior. Forgiving myself isn't as easy. I don’t want to rationalize my behavior or say that I am ignorant. Usually I state that I should have known my actions or behavior was going to turn out this way. Hmm….

Anyway, that is my thoughts about true happiness. I think. I mean I can list a lot of material items that can bring a smile to my face, but it is not true happiness.

What is your happiness?