Guilt is in the air.

I feel guilty. There is this guy, a very nice guy, which he keeps asking to “hang out”. I always make up an excuse to be polite. Sometimes I am too busy or sometimes I am too tired. The truth is I don’t want to date right now—not anyone.

I don’t have a good track record with men in my life. These numbers are not large but obviously these connections have never worked out. Did I give up on one day establishing a relationship with a man? No. I simply need to find out what it is that I do that don’t keep a man after the initial dating period.

I also want to wait on dating because of my kids. I don’t like to introduce kids to a guy that may or may not be in their life. My kids get attached to someone and if it doesn’t work out I have 4 broken hearts to deal with—not just my own. To me the worst is trying to explain to a kid why so and so is not going to be around anymore. I can’t even begin to tell you the hurt that you see in their eyes when they liked someone and than the questions that come out of their mouths!

A quick side note—my daughter has a magic 8ball at my sisters’ house. My sister called and told me that this last week she was asking that magic 8ball if so and so still liked my mom and if they would date again. This broke my heart to see that she lost a male role model and a friend. I can’t do that to my kids again. They have not had a consistent male in their lives—ever. That sounds bad on my part but I have only introduced them to one man that I have dated and they knew one man that I dated prior to us dating. The kids dads are not consistent in their life either...that was part of my point. I don't want to come off as an 'easy' person because it's not that way.

Now, it is not in my nature to be down right mean to this man who is adamant on dating. So I have recently talked to this man and told him I am not dating anyone right now. I can be your friend but nothing more. He agrees, but than after a week he goes right back to the same way. I find myself ignoring calls and not answering e-mails. I feel guilty about this; it is not who I want to be.

I don’t have an answer on when I will want a man in my life. It might be a few months or even longer than a year. I don’t know. I do know that I obviously have some changes to make to myself. I am one of those ‘go with the flow’ types when dating someone—from experience this does not work. I also forget how to be me when I am teeter-tottering on how the person feels about me. I am sure there is more that I need to work on before I jump out into dating again.