Lately I have been digging down deep to answer some questions. I don’t know how to really explain what all I have been thinking about. It’s the thoughts that race inside my head. One thing that really sticks out is “not fighting for a friendship or for love”. This encircles in my brain quite frequently.
I have made my mistakes in past relationships, particularly in my marriages. This is not something that I extremely proud about, but it is no secret I didn’t love my first husband. I was seventeen when I got married. I didn’t even have a clue on what love was or what entails in a relationship. I was still a teenager and this was my first attempt in having a true relationship.
My second marriage, I married because I did love him, more than anything. I married him for the wrong reasons though. I got married on a whim because he got caught cheating and now was going to ‘prove’ that he loved me. I bought it. I ate up every word he spoke. Things didn’t change and I became this mean and hateful person. Anything this man did…he did wrong. At least that is how I seen it. I will give him credit for a couple years it was great. He was faithful and he was doing all the work to salvage what little of a relationship we did have. I can describe it at best as ‘too little…too late’.
After he stopped pursuing the relationship, I panicked. Why is that? I was out of my comfort zone. I believe we stayed together because it was ‘comfortable’. Deep down I do think neither of us had the intentions to hurt the other.
Now I know that I have fought for love and that it turned in to an argument; a lifetime argument with myself, where I wonder why love doesn’t work out. Was it my fault? Was it the other persons? I gave up on the fight. I gave up on finding someone. I let go of my ongoing argument and sat in silence. I found myself.
Okay so I ranted a bit and got off my subject. Back to my original thought…
Would you fight for love? A friendship? Or would you just walk away?
How easily do you give up? How hard do you truly fight?
How far do you go to protect your heart? What is the worst thing that can happen if you let someone in?
Do you believe that you can fall out of love? Why?
When you start to fall in love do you get scared? Or do you greet it open armed?
How do you know if you are ready to love again? Is there a time?
Are you worth loving? Have you settled for a ‘safe’ relationship?
Is every love different? Do you wear your feelings on your sleeve? Do you keep them bottled up?
Have you ever pushed someone out of your life because you loved them? Have you ever lied and said you did not have feelings for someone?
Now how did this work out for you?
Can you answer would you fight for a friendship or love or would you walk away? Why?
5 comments:
Wow, that is some deep thought Heather. I have a few friends that I would fight for TO THE END! They have stood by me in my darkest hours and my best days and are not judgemental. The kind that will drop what they are doing and help you move furniture for example LOL, or take you out for beers to distract you when you are feeling down.
My last relationship, I probably could have fought for it but it seemed pointless to try. I just couldn't see things going back the way they were again. I took a lot of stuff for granted and got in the comfort zone. So I did the only thing I could do and walk away. I would rather see her happy with someone else then sad with me. I cared for her deeply and still feel something for her but not sure what it is.
After 3 failed relationships, I started looking at myself and I have been a lot of the problem. It is almost like I get bored after a certain amount of time. Does that make any sense? Now I find myself looking for little faults in the women I meet or compare them to my last relationship when I should just relax and get to know them a little.
One thing I learned is that if I don't try, then I only have myself to blame when I am sitting in my apartment by myself. :)
Thank you for responding. I really appreciate it, seriously.
I think everyone can look back and say they could have fought harder, I believe that is the norm. People, and I am equally guilty of this, get into a routine or their comfort zone and I think that is when people take others for granted. My question than is how do you recognize that you reached that comfort where you are actually doing harm to a relationship?
Like you, I have had my share of failed relationships. I also started to look at myself and wonder what the heck is wrong with me! I understand getting 'bored' with someone after you reach that comfort level. BUT how do you get passed that?
Look back a few generations and there were rarely a divorce. What is the secret. How can they love the same someone for years. I want that. I would almost do anything for that.
I have changed a lot since my divorce. I have became someone who I like, someone who I want to be. I'm not as 'needy' as I used to be. And I worked through a lot of trust issues that I had.
Now I want the secret that my great-grandparents had to stay married for all those years. They got married at 14 and had 17 kids. They were just as much in love before my great-grandpa died as they were when they got married.
Sometimes I think that people have that 'grass is greener on the other side' mechanism and this making it hard to form a relationship. Other times I think people have a 'false' reality about what they want in a mate.
I am with you though. For a friend I would do ANYTHING. Seriously. I could not turn my back on a friend in need. I would fight for them to the end BUT what happens when they don't fight for you back? Were they really a friend?
Sorry I had a few beers and I am not so sure if this comment makes any sense or not! :) Got to love Budweiser.
I never recognized that I was in the comfort zone until it was too late and already crumbling. I was happy (kinda) with the way things were, but we both worked way different hours and hardly saw each other. I worked the early shift and she worked 3 different shifts, almost changing weekly. I was guilty of not making time for her but she was guilty also of the same.
How to get past the bored part is a good question? There were so many things that I wanted to do but never had much time. I wanted to try new stuff and go new places to make things interesting again but it just didn't work.
People are different today! Most people are out for themselves. They are way more selfish then past generations, and never admit fault. If you find out the secret to your question, please share it :). People nowadays won't put in the required effort to make things last. The word "soulmate" is now a joke in my book. It is how you said with the grass is greener on the other side mentality, everybody always thinks they can do better than what they have.
I have a had a few friends who wouldn't fight for me back and they are no longer considered friends. Not for sure if they ever were but I know that they are not now :)
Your comment is making total sense!
All Hail The Mighty Budweiser!!!!;)
Have a great 4th of July!
I think you hit the nail on the head with “people are out for themselves”. It’s that ‘grass is greener on the other side’ way of thinking that drives people on thinking that the next relationship or even situation is better than the one they are currently in. With that mentality people don’t try near as hard because it is easier to jump to the next person. It’s also more ‘exciting’ to have someone new.
I don’t know about other people but I don’t want to compete with the Jones. I don’t want to worry about the ‘greener grass’ that really don’t exist or the ‘false reality’ of what people want in a partner.
I think people rely on what is easiest…which is giving up when things give tough or comfortable. They give up on a relationship at the first sign of work. What people don’t know or fail to recognize is that the things you work for are the things that you will cherish forever.
Many people don’t value marriage; they just seem content with living with one another. I’m okay with ‘life partners’ but I think people do this so they don’t feel ‘committed’ to one another. With today’s world sexual relationships are accepted outside of marriage and it was a ‘sin’ back in later generations.
More and more people are afraid of commitment and I don’t really comprehend that. I personally don’t understand what is so scary about making a commitment with someone that you have a connection with.
Now, it is going to be awhile before I try a relationship again. I hate failure. I take it personally. I pick apart conversations and anything else. I just over think everything.
Wow, those are some good questions. At first I was able to answer each one of them quickly, but after giving it more thought I began to see that they are really not that easy to answer. There are many circumstances we find ourselves in everyday that could easily change the answer to those questions your asking. I'll just start with the first one and work my way down. I hope there isn't a limit on how much I can type...Would I fight for Love or a Friendship, or would I just walk away. Of course I would fight for either and I have on more than one occasion. Right now at this moment would I fight for both. For friendship yes for love, well i'm not in love at the moment. Though I should say that I would fight to find love once again. I never give up on love. I'm too much of a romantic to ever even consider giving up as an option as far as love is concerned. I'm more apt to give up on life in the pursuit of love than to give love up itself. Love for me has been a painful process one that at times has landed me in places where for awhile I began to think there was no such thing as love. Some would say you should give up on love if it only brings you pain. But it doesn't only bring pain it brings so many things. I was gonna try to go in order down your list of questions but need to jump ahead one and say that no I don't believe you can fall out of love. I think there are many levels of love. Love of a friend, love of a lover, love of your children, love of cheeseburgers. In some cases I can see you falling out of love, but in others falling out of love isn't possible. I've told many women over the years that I loved them and at the time I would say I did. My friends would say I had a problem figuring out the difference between love and lust. I look back now I can say with much certainty that I didn't really love them, I thought I did but I really didnt. There's been two girls in my life that I loved completely and even though I don't see them anymore and I occasionally talk to one of them I know that I will always love them, but i'll never be with them again. Sometimes a person needs more than just love to make things work. So yes you can fall out of love sometimes though i say fall out of love loosely. Can you ever stop loving your children? or a very good friend? Yes I could maybe stop loving cheeseburgers but never friends or loved ones. No matter what.
I protect my heart very carefully as I have mentioned love has been painful for me in the past. So now I protect it at every cost. What's the worst that could happen if I let someone in? Well that's easy to answer the pain. Now that's not to say that I wouldn't let that right person in of course I would. But i'm not just letting anyone in. I mean do you just let anyone into your house and near your kids?
When I start to fall in love I don't get scared. My friends and family get scared for me, because they know that if I think i'm in love with someone I jump right in the deep end even if i can't see what i'm jumping into. I go open armed and I don't look back. My friends would say I fall in love too easily, but my question why doesn't everybody? I mean love is the greatest thing ever. I want to experience and have love forever. Love will save us all. I really believe that.
I think that last part pretty much answered your question on weather or not I think i'm ready to love again. I'm always ready to love.
I'd like to think i'm worth loving, but that seems kind of like a strange question to ask. Anyways yes i've settled for a "safe" relationship and in some ways that's what i'm looking for at the moment is a safe relationship. Though in all reality theres no such thing as a safe relationship for me. If I fall in love with a woman whole heartedly it's all over. My logic and everything goes out the window. Love to me is like a very good drug and once I have it everything else seems pointless to me.
Your question is ever love different. Do you mean different levels of love like I already mentioned when I mentioned loving your children versus loving a cheeseburger? I'm open with my feelings for the most part to those around me. I'm not someone who keeps my feelings bottled up no do I necessarily keep them on my sleeve so to speak. If you ask me to tell you how I feel about any situation i'll tell you, but i'm not just gonna have them out there for everyone to see. Somethings are private. Some feelings are private.
Yes I have pushed one person out of my life because I loved them. I did it with hopes that they would take care of themselves first and then if they still felt the same I would let them back in. I can't help but think that it was a selfish gesture on my part. For I cared for them and wanted them to get better, but at the same time I'm the type of person who wants to help them all. But theres only so much you can do for a person. You can't make a person feel better completely, they have to do that for themselves. No i've never lied to a person about having feelings for them. I would be too afraid of losing them as a love. Love is important to me and worth fighting for so no I would never lie about something so important.
Wow this worked out nicely. It made me think about things and such. And yes I can answer that first question.
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