Des Moines.

Monday, the night before boards, a friend and I spent the night in Des Moines with every intention on studying and getting a great night of sleep. Now when we opened our nursing books we got nervous and began to dread the big test in the morning. To calm our nerves we went to Olive Garden for a great meal and of course a drink or two.

We went back to the hotel and there was an ice cream shop in the hotel and I seen beer bottles lined the shelf behind the bar. We went in and took a seat when I asked the waiter if this was the only place in the hotel to get a drink. Within a minute a very nice man approached us to explain that there was a bar on the second floor and was nice enough to show us the way.

We sat in that second floor bar for a good hour or two having a few more drinks. After awhile we decided that getting drunk the night before your nursing boards was not the best idea so we decided to take a swim in the pool. We were the only ones in the pool and it was great but all we could talk about was the 'big scary test'. We got interrupted with a man banging on the door. (I'll leave that for a different blog)

Needless to say we got back to the room around eleven and thought we should study. We got out our review note cards and all it did was get us worried. So we put them away and shut off the lights.

Neither of us slept well at all; a lot of tossing and turning. Nerves, were getting the best of us. Six am and the alarm was going off. We showered and checked out. I drove us to the testing center and it hit us--we did not study at all!

To take the boards you have to have your Authorization to Test, your ID and fingerprints. They won't let you take anything into the testing room--not even a Kleenex.

The questions were hard and my nerves were shot. You have no idea how many questions you are going to have; the range is 85-260 questions. You have 300 minutes to complete your test. When the computer reaches the amount of questions that you are to take it shuts off. My test ended at 115 questions.

We both left Des Moines knowing we failed. It was a quiet ride home. We made it home by lunch time which is good beings our test started at eight in the morning. We enjoyed a very quiet lunch together and than went on with our separate days.

Yesterday while I was at work my friend text me and stated "I passed!" knowing that she got online and paid to see her test results just made me anxious to know mine. I came home and entered all my information just to find out...I passed my boards.

Nursing boards...

As all of you know I took my nursing boards this last Tuesday. What you might not know is that it was the HARDEST test that I have ever encountered.

I am only confident of 25% of the questions that I had. Another 25% of the questions were over medications that I am unfamiliar with. Now the next 25% of the questions involved religion and if you know me I know very little, if anything, about religion. The last 25% was over diseases and nursing priorities that I singled down to two answers.

Seriously I walked out of that testing center knowing that I did not pass. It was a very long and quiet ride home. Now it takes 2-4 weeks to receive my results in the mail. That is a long, long time to wait for a test like this.

So I did what anyone in my position would do....pay the extra to get the results in two days. I received my test results a few hours ago...

A week has passed...

...and I haven't posted!!

I wanted to quickly get on and say I'm still here and alive. I will be back...no fear. It has been a hectic week and I haven't had time to get online except for a quick e-mail or my online classes.

I will be on soon to post...but I think I have writers block! Haha!

Testing, testing...

I'm nervous, I just booked my hotel for Monday in Des Moines.

Tuesday I have my nursing boards. I really do not know why I am posting this; I mean if I fail my boards you will all know now. Whoa...a big ole reality check.

A friend and I decided to make our testing times for the nursing boards at the same time that way we can get a room on Monday and Tuesday not make the drive to take that big scary test. Smart, I know.

Anyway, it is less than a week away and I haven't studied at all! That is a huge confidence booster! Ha ha! I work all this week so I am sure that I won't get much studying done but maybe I can study a bit this weekend...I'm not scheduled to work.

So Tuesday at 8 am I need everyone to cross their fingers for me. Passing my nursing boards is the only question that I haven't asked my magic 8ball. Hmm...

Dun, dun, dun...

Watermelon.

Today I ate watermelon, not any watermelon, seedless watermelon. It was good.

The kids and I went to their school to meet their teachers and they had a watermelon feed. I thought it was a great way for a teacher-student introduction. It seemed everyone was enjoying themselves.

Tomorrow school starts, my kids are excited and nervous. I work so I don't get to take them for their first day of school or pick them up. That disappoints me some but I think I will live...hopefully.

I'm charging my camera so in the morning I can take pictures of the kids for their first day of school.

I never sleep well on the night before big events...

What is your perfect date?

I was asked last night what my perfect date would be and I had a hard time answering this question because I can ultimately enjoy just about anything....with the right company. Don't get me wrong even with the right company I couldn't enjoy a Jackie Chan movie fest but anything else I think I can handle.

Now before I go on I need to ask what is your perfect date?

After a night of thinking about it I couldn't come up with an exact activity that would be considered a 'perfect date' for me. There are signs that I think that a date was going well and I guess if those signs are there, to me, that is a perfect date.

What are those signs you ask...hmm...

Laughter. That is simple if people are laughing they are smiling and having a good time. I love to laugh.

I should honestly back up to the arrival. My perfect date would arrive on time. I hate tardiness. I don't like to admit this but I would almost judge the date on if they arrived on time or not.

A good conversation. Nothing is better than being around someone you can hold a conversation with. It's okay to tease.

I notice all the small things, for example, is he looking at anyone else or if he drops me off at home does he wait till I get inside or does he pull away without knowing if I got inside. Things like that I tend to notice.

I'm sure that I can go on and on...but as you can tell I didn't have a specific date in mind...no picnic on the beach here or sunset walk.

Do people actually have a 'perfect date' in mind? I mean to me that is crazy. Let's say my perfect date was a picnic on the beach, and I guarentee it's not. Okay, I go on a date and this poor guy did the dinner and a movie date, would that be disappointing to me if my 'perfect date' was a picnic on the beach?

I decided I don't think I like the question "What is your perfect date".

Sleep...who needs it?

Oh the joys of having my kids home...

Today I have an all day meeting at the hospital so knowing this I sent the kids to bed around 9 so I could head to bed about 10. Well it was a great plan...

Around 11:30 my daughter woke up to a 'noise' so I made her a bed on the couch.

Around 1:00 my youngest had a 'pain' in his ankle.

Around 2:30 my youngest thought he needed to get up and run through the house.

Around 3:30 my middle child thought it was time to 'play' with the dog.

Around 5:00 my alarm decided it was time to get up.

Needless to say I am freakin' tired.

I am not quite sure what got into my children last night. They have been home since Thursday so they have slept here before. I don't get it. I am hoping that at daycare today they don't let my kids nap so they will sleep good tonight because I surly need the sleep. I can't run off of 3-4 hours of sleep anymore....I need sleep to function correctly.

How long...

I have recently been asked this question to which I couldn't reply like the person wanted. The question is:

"When do you let someone meet your kids?"

My answer was:

"When I feel comfortable introducing someone to my kids."

The person that asked me this question was almost irritated about my 'vague' answer. They wanted a date or a time frame or better yet an actual number of days. I tried explaining to this person that the time frame doesn't exist in this aspect of my life. Some friends never meet my kids while others meet my kids from the start. I was interrupted because it obviously was not concerning a friend meeting kids it was a possible significant other that would be meeting kids.

All I could do was go back to my original answer. I could hear the frustration in their voice. It was not what they wanted to hear.

I'm just curious about others...when would you allow your kids to meet someone? If you don't have kids than when would you expect to meet someone else's kids?

Now, this person that asked me the question was a female friend that is irritated that the guy she is interested in hasn't introduced his kids to her yet. I told her I thought that was great on his part and that got her angry. You see, she doesn't have any kids and well thinks that they have went on a few dates this last 6 weeks and wants to meet his kids.

I calmly explained to her that if he respects his kids that much...maybe she should respect him.

I also tried explaining that if she is going to demand to meet his kids she might as well kiss whatever possible relationship there could have been.....gone. She doesn't see it the way I do so maybe it is just me. I have been wrong before...but I doubt I am now.

Feeding the ducks.

This morning I got up and mowed. I guess I didn't know how difficult it was going to be with my kids. They were shooting me with water guns, Nerf guns, and of course running circles around me. At least the mowing got done.

We all got cleaned up and ran and rented a movie and I ended up buying four others. After picking out movies we went to Wal-Mart to get some popcorn, water, juice, and ice cream. As soon as we got everything put away we took a walk around the neighborhood and up to the kids school.

As we approach the school I hear someone yelling my name, hmm, I don't know too many people, I turn around and it was a lady that I work with at the hospital. I felt a bit stupid for not recognizing her. I tell you I am really bad at remembering people or names.

The kids and I walked back home and ate some cake and ice cream than sat down to watch a movie together. My daughter picked out 27 dresses. If you know me I am not into the girlie-girl movies. I will watch them and smile or laugh. All it did was make me want to plan my next wedding....how ridiculous is that?

My best friend stopped by with a present for Dalton. He received a metal detector. I got it put together and off the kids went. They didn't get out the door yet and the thing was going insane. The kids thought they hit the jackpot and I had to break the news that they were on the door jam. That's my kids. It made both my friend and I laugh.

My kids are now sleeping and I am just relaxing with my bud light. It's been a great weekend.

Busy day.

The kids and I got up fairly early to conquer all of the running we had to get done today. We got most of it accomplished. The kids got hair cuts, new shoes, birthday cake, and a great night of swimming.

We just got back from Family Fun Night at the Y. On Friday's they have open swim with either a huge air-filled elephant or alligator or a rock wall that you fall off into the water. Tonight it was the rock wall.

There was only one other family in the pool tonight and of course the one lifeguard. My kids attempted that rock wall all night...and got pretty high up. We raced and played basketball and than I decided to check how far my kids can swim underwater. All three kids made it from the deep end to the shallow....which is a long way. In fact the lifeguard came up to me and asked me how long my kids were in swimming lessons...in which I replied I taught my kids to swim myself. They did swimming lessons at the Y about 3-4 months ago and they were bored because it was under their skills. The lifeguard recommended that the kids take private lessons....hmm. He stated that normally private lessons accommodate 2 kids but he would make an exception and give lessons to all 3.

The kids got about 3/4 of the way up the rock wall and could not get that final stretch. My daughter can make it up to the top on the normal rock wall, but she had trouble with this one. I cheered them on and even tried to bribe them with ice cream if they could touch the top. Nobody could make it and not because of lack of effort though.

It was a great night and tomorrow the kids want to go play basketball and afterwards a movie and ice cream.

It is funny how hearing my kids playing and feeling their hugs can make me feel so important and so loved. I am so thankful to be their mom, they are great kids.

My kids are....home!

Last night my kids made it home. They all look so much bigger and they got tan-very tan.

My day today:

Spoil my kids rotton.

Catching up on laundry. I have so far done 6 loads of laundry.

Going to the Y to register the kids in activities.

Getting haircuts.

Buying shoes.

Mowing the yard.

Eating birthday cake.

But most of all I am going to smother my kids with kisses and hugs!

The waiting game...

It is now 4:32 pm...where are my kids?

It's not looking good. I might be making the trip in the morning. Hopefully it is just my ex-husband trying to be mean and will have the kids here soon. Of course he wouldn't answer my call or text concerning if he was bringing the kids down.

I called my daughter's cell and left her a text message but my ex-husband does not let her hold on to it when she brings it. Even when the only reason she has it is to stay in contact with me. Only emergency numbers are programmed in it.

I guess I just have to wait....

A possible upcoming warning

Last night I had a hard time sleeping. I tossed and turned throughout the night. It seems that I had let my emotions get the better of me. Well, not now. I'm over it. Well, I am not over it but I accepted the facts. A bit of a difference.

So a prewarning...I might not be around the end of the week through the weekend. It seems that I might be driving across the state to get my kids and see my friends and family. If I go I will take some pictures...if I remember to charge my camera!

Today I start the day shift at the hospital. I'm nervous but I'm sure everything will be fine.

I'm sure I will update how it went.

I promise to tell the truth and nothing but the truth...

I feel angry...yup...my emotions are getting the best of me tonight.

My ex-husband is flat out refusing to bring my kids home. I have went all summer with out seeing them and I was super excited on seeing them when I got off work on Thursday.

He is telling me that he is not bringing them home and that I can drive up and get them. He states he pays too much in child support so he is not going to make the drive.

I have tried since Friday to get a hold of my kids and he won't let me talk to them. He refuses to call me back and won't respond to any text messages concerning my want and right to talk to my kids.

At the beginning of the summer we made an arrangement that he was going to drop the kids off at the end of the summer. He knew this and agreed to it.

I won't be able to pick up my kids on Thursday because I work and so I will have to make the trip on Friday, my youngest child's birthday.

It just makes me so angry that he is this way all the time. I am not perfect, far from it, but I do know I put my kids first and I am a good mom. To see this man do the opposite is just disappointing.

How do I know he can't afford the trip? I don't. I assume and that is wrong on my part. He has a two income home and she also receives child support. It's just me here. He races stock cars, gets new toys all the time, and I feel like I make all the necessary sacrifices to give my kids a better life.

On the flip side I will be able to see my family and friends if I make the trip up to Sioux City. I will be able to go to my favorite place in the world...the tattoo shop. My dad has my graduation present up there that he wants to give me. So it wouldn't be a bad thing to make the trip. It's more of the way my ex-husband goes around to do this sort of thing; like last minute with a side of guilt.

Anyway, supposedly he is getting a lawyer which means we will be going to court again.

Statistics, mexican, and shopping...

So today after my long day at clinical I ran out to get my books for my online classes for next term. Taking the classes online is going to stretch out my nursing degree a couple more semesters but I really don't have much of a choice beings I am a single mom and want to be there for my kids. Got to take the pros and the cons.

I picked up my Statistics, Art Appreciation, and Advanced Pharmacology books at the college bookstore. Now, I love math but after flipping through the pages I have become slightly intimidated. I took up to calculus in high school, so I believe that I will be fine...but that was so long ago! Statistics is transferable for my bachelors too.

After getting my books a dear friend called to invite me to a bar-b-que tomorrow, which I gratefully accepted. I am looking forward to my extra burnt new york strip. Yummy. Shortly after making plans for tomorrow a different friend asked me to supper tonight. We had some good ole mexican. MmmMmm.

I ran to the mall and ended up doing some not needed shopping. Oh well, you only live once right? That is my excuse.

I have recently decided that I am going to join the gym. I know that the kids and I will greatly benefit from having a gym membership. So at dinner tonight I did what I do best...talk...and now have got my friend wanting to join. Yea-I might have a partner to go with. I do plan on joining this week so hopefully if i don't kill over from my body going in to shock of exercising I will post about my triumphs and some bumps that might be in the road.

Life sucks... get it over it.

We all have been around and some even have been one of those people that go around stating and restating how bad life is. My advice to these attention seeking people....get over it...stop looking for pity. Everyone has rough times in life. Now, I think I said it harshly. It is okay to vent or talk to a friend when you are down in the dumps or depressed, but when all you do is go around and play that sad song on the violin....err...that just gets to me.

Life is not out to get 'revenge' on people. I have had a few crappy years in my life, and I am expecting that I will have a few more. Fact: Life is not fair. So when you start feeling sorry for yourself, simply, STOP and realize some of the good that you do have. Believe it or not there is someone out there that has a worse life. Everyone has positives about themselves, some are hilarious, some are intelligent, some are great communicators, etc. You have something great about yourself. And to someone you might be a huge influence. Everyone matters to someone.

Now I am guilty of this times a million. I live my life for others most of the time. This is different than doing something for someone else. I am finally realizing. You have got to figure out what it is important for you in life; get to know yourself. Yes, I know my friends, family, kids, co workers better than I know myself, most of the time. I live to make people happy. Now I just have to shift that a bit to make sure I am living my life for me. In a nut shell, take care of yourself or you can't take care of anyone else.

If you find yourself comparing your life to someone else, remember you never know what goes on behind closed doors. They may not be as happy as you think. They may have a huge house, fancy car but could be on the verge of bankruptcy. It is all on how a person portrays themselves.

Whenever you hear yourself thinking a negative comment about yourself try and instantly replace it with a positive one. Just don't get lost in self-pity. Remember you have the ability to change your outlook and your situation-it sometimes just takes work or change.

I write this today because I, myself, was starting to play the old violin, and decided not to. I enjoy life to much to get down over something so trivial.

Why do people lie?

I'm curious, and please answer, why is it that people lie? I will be honest, I have lied a time or two in my day, and I probably will again. My lies are not huge lies, they are just little ones like "Oh, I like that shirt." I don't go off the deep and and say I'm not dating someone when I am or vice versa.

Why is it people think that it is easier to tell a lie than to tell the truth? If you met someone new, would you lie to your significant other and make up some other reason to break it off or would you just explain that you met someone new?

Would you tell someone that you liked them but only a few days later withdraw that notion?

Do you tell your friends that you are going to be there and you are not?

Do people lie because it is easier for them or they may think it is easier for the other person? Or maybe they lie to fit in. Or because they don't want to let someone down.

Why are some of the reasons I have lied? Good question.

I have lied to spare someones feelings. Go back to the "Oh, I like that shirt", does that really effect the person that I lied?

I have lied to spare myself from getting lectured. "No, I didn't go out of town." It was easier to just pretend it didn't happen than to endure a 3 hour lecture about how dangerous it was.

Anyway, no matter the reason of lying and I know everyone has lied, but my question now is how did lying make you feel?

I have always felt like I betrayed someone or belittled their intelligence. To me it just isn't worth it. I like to talk way too much to be able to keep lies straight anyway!

My "shopping list"...

Do you have an ideal partner sketched out in your head? I think most of us do to some extent, I know I do. Of course honesty, intelligence, sense of humor, stability, communication, and the want to work on a relationship (whatever type of relationship this is) are on top of the traits that I look for. As you can tell looks appear nowhere on my list. I am not shallow. Obviously I am more attracted to an intelligent man with great communication skills over the man with the bod of steel. That is just me.

Now, I went a bit further with what traits that I am looking for in that potential partner. I challenge you to do the same.

Obviously I want someone that has a positive outlook in life. There is nothing worse than being around a "Negative Nancy". In this so category I would look to see that they focus on the solution rather than the problems, they see good in others and in other situations, and than they can turn a obstacle into an opportunity. A positive outlook in life rates high up there in my shopping list of a potential partner.

I'm also looking for someone that is able to keep a clean house and can handle their own finances. They hold up their end of a promise or commitment. They are timely and don't let people down. This shows that they have respect and are responsible.

I am also attracted to someone that has the want of personal growth as I do. I am always looking for a way to be a better partner and I am wanting someone that cares enough to do the same. Basically you have got to have goals for some sort of self-improvement. Nobody is perfect and everyone can improve one way or another. Life is a learning opportunity....so take advantage of it.

Honesty. This one is self explanatory I would think, but just in case I will explain. I want someone who is not only honest to me, but honest to themselves. No playing games....unless it is connect four. Playing games with someones feelings or emotions hurt and I will not tolerate someone who participates in those acts.

I thrive on stability. I don't think money is everything...in fact I could care less about what type of job someone has...as long as they are stable. So I want someone who is stable in life.

Communication of feelings. I love to talk as most of you know. I spill my feelings, thoughts, wants, ideas openly. Now, I am not asking a potential partner to do the same but I would expect they can communicate with me. I may not have the answers but heck it sure does make a person feel needed and wanted if they communicate about everything. Oh, a disclaimer: I do not talk about intimate conversations with anyone else, I leave those to the bedroom.

Anyway, I get asked a lot what is it that I am looking for, and I usually rattle off honesty, communication, sense of humor, etc. I decided to go in better detail, not only for others, but for myself. I like to see things on paper.

Like I said earlier, I challenge you to do the same. Make your own shopping list for a potential partner and go in more detail. Oh, don't forgot to examine inwards to yourself.

I must be cheap!

Twenty-eight dollars is all it must cost for these "sexual favors".

Last school fund raiser, my daughter sold candles, and my best friend wrote me out a check which I found to be hilarious. I wonder do you think the bank even notices things like that? I dunno.

The best candy bar....EVER!

Of course I was sifting through pictures and came across these, Twin Bing. This is my all time favorite candy bar, and look it is made in my hometown...good ole Sioux City, Iowa. I can't find Twin Bing's around here so every so often I talk my ex husband in bringing me a case. I tell you what, they don't last long around here. If my adopted mom or some friends know I have them...they are gone... and quickly. I used to mail my aunt in Texas some throughout the year because she too loves them but they do not sell them in Texas. It's been awhile since I had one...hmm...I might have to do something about that.

Texas

I talked to my aunt today, who lives in Texas and she is adamant on trying to get me to move to the large state. In fact she thinks that I should come visit and get a Texas drivers license. See if I get a drivers license now than I can move down in 6 months and be a Texas resident so I can get the in-state college rates. She has it all figured out.

Don't get me wrong, I love my aunt, and I know she is just wanting to help. She said we could live in her house and she would watch my kids while I finish my degree. Don't get me wrong she has a very nice house and it is big enough for us all. But I think I want to do this here, in Iowa.

So thinking about our conversation I started to look at the pictures from the last time Tiana and I visited her over this last Christmas.

When we were there we visited my favorite era....Medieval Times. I went there when I was 14 and was crowned the Lady of Luck for my red knight. He gave me his colors and a rose. I thought that was the most amazing thing ever. Tiana got a carnation from out yellow night this last time.

I always have fun visiting....but my home is in the good ole midwest...at least for now...

In remembrance of "bladdy" my gallbladder.

Two years ago today I had my gallbladder removed. I remember it as it was only yesterday…

I was living in an apartment with my kids after my husband and I separated and it was about, oh, 4 in the morning on August 7th when I was awaken by a stabbing pain in my stomach. I tried everything that I could think of to relieve this pain. I tried pacing the hallways and soaking in a hot bath, which really worked before. After about an hour the pain just brought me to tears and I knew I needed to see a doctor.

I called the kids dad and asked him to come get the kids so I could go out to the hospital. He told me he would be right over. I sat on my couch for hours and finally I lay on the floor, for some reason the hard floor was more comforting than the couch. Time just kept passing by and no sign of the kids dad. It was about 10 in the morning and he finally showed up and seen that I was laying on the floor and said if you were in that much pain why didn’t you just call an ambulance. I muttered back because I have 3 kids and their dad was going to be right over to watch them.

I ended up driving myself to the hospital where I must of looked sick and in pain because immediately they started an IV of morphine, my first time having any strong narcotics. After the IV I got carted to the ultrasound room where it was confirmed I had masses of gallstones both in my ducts and gallbladder. I asked the nice person observing my gallbladder to print me off a picture, in which they did.

I was going to need surgery. The surgeon came to my room and explained the procedure. He explained that I had a lot of gallstones and that he was going to try and do laparoscopic surgery but if when he tries and can’t get all the stones he will have to do open surgery.

I remember very well his voice and very well the complications to surgery…death. He explained that any time someone is under anesthesia there is a chance in death. I sat there alone thinking that the doctor told me I was going to not survive surgery.

I called my kids, mom and dad, my sister, my friends and told them I would be under the knife in less than 2 hours. I was seriously scared.

An hour passed and the nurse came in to tell me that they were going to postpone the surgery till tomorrow, August 8th, because there was an accident and the surgeon is, well, in surgery. Phew…this relieved me a bit until I thought of the date.

August 8th is my unlucky day. I just knew I wasn’t going to make it out alive. “Bladdy”, my gallbladder, had won; he got the best of me. Of course, I kept all these fears to myself.

The next morning I was prepped for surgery and I remember being asked if I had any jewelry on because it would have to be removed beforehand. I cringed and mumbled, yes, I have jewelry on. The nurse looked at my ears and my hands and asked where. I explained where and told her I was not removing my jewelry. She talked to the surgeon and he said we had to put sterile gauze over my piercings and I could keep them. Thankfully.

I remember being wheeled into the surgery room, I was still awake! Usually they sedate you before getting you to the surgical room. Than I hear count back from 100. So I did 100…99….98…97…I was out.

I woke up from surgery sick; anesthesia got the better of me. I was returned back to my room where I was afraid to look at my stomach, as I didn’t want to know if I had laparoscopic or open surgery. The surgeon came to visit me and explained everything when quickly and great. I had laparoscopic surgery.

It’s funny because a friend of mine visited me right after surgery and said her back was hurting and I joked it’s your gallbladder. Well it was. She had hers removed the next morning and was sent home within 4 hours of surgery, and I was left in the hospital for 5 days.

So thank you “Bladdy” for going on your merry way. I would love to say you are missed but that would be a lie. You caused much pain in my life and frankly I am glad that you are gone.

Winter is around the corner...

With school starting soon and summer coming to an end I decided it was time to find some of my winter pictures. These were taken last year during the big ice storm that kept us out of electricity for 5 days. Talk about bad luck for someone who still has a nightlight to sleep because she is afraid of the dark!

I believe winter is so beautiful; I love the ice on the trees and the untouched snow. Than comes the shoveling and well it is freakin cold. Last winter I attempted to sled and went over the retaining wall at my adopted mom's house, thankfully it was only about a 3-4 foot drop but I slid right into the doghouse. I was seriously sore for a week. This year I might sit on the sidelines....I doubt it!

I should get a toboggan so the kids and I can all fit on the one sled. Growing up we had a toboggan that fit about 5-6 people and I was forbidden to touch. It was my father's and he broke his leg on it when him and some friends attempted to sled and went off a steep wall, I believe. So of course that meant that I could not touch it growing up.

I was about 14 and I took that toboggan outside and climbed to the top of the hill we lived on and man that thing went fast. I got in trouble, obviously, for disobeying. I'm not even sure if my father still has it.

Hmm...I wonder where one would get a toboggan....any idea?

Emergency calls...

This afternoon I had received a hysterical phone call, my best friend’s son was unconscious and they were on their way to the hospital. I asked do you need me at the hospital or at the house; I was told to the house. So I went over to the house and sat with her boyfriend and her two other sons. After a bit I received a call asking me to come up to the hospital, so I did.

When I got up there everything was fine; he was up and moving around. He has a history of seizures so it is thought he had a seizure and fell of his bike. I know from personal experience it is horrific, Ian has had seizures and lost conscious too. It is a horrible feeling to have something go wrong with your child, or any child.

While I was waiting in the room one of the paramedics, that I knew, waved me in to the hallway. He asked me if everything was okay and asked me if it was my child. I explained it wasn’t but I appreciate the concern. My adopted mom came out to the hallway and said Heather, can’t I take you anywhere? I can’t take you to Wal-Mart even without someone hitting on you.

I was so embarrassed and I introduced her to the paramedic, who happens to be in nursing school with me. Oh, was all she replied and went back in the room. So of course the paramedic is giving me grief on “not being able to take me anywhere”. I’ll never live this down. It was funny though, embarrassing, but funny.

Kids are precious and times like this makes me appreciate my kids so very much more.

Now that is what I am talking about...

Hey Heather!
You scored 145 on our IQ Test.
Your IQ Range is Above 140 and you are EXTREMELY INTELLIGENT.

Congratulations on completing our IQ test! Based on your answers to the test questions, your IQ is above 140. IQ scores are based on a scale where a score of 100 is the average score. By scoring higher than 100, you have shown that you have a higher than average intelligence level. Your score range of above 140 is the highest category and indicates that you are extremely intelligent, so again, congratulations are in order! Your intelligence level can say a lot about how you approach life. By having a high score, you are someone who can face their challenges and often overcome them easily. You look at the world and are able to make sense of it by fitting together the pieces of the puzzle.

Thank you for taking our fun IQ test!

Down to one...job that is...

Last night I went to work a bit early to explain my situation to one of the managers...I went in to quit. I, of course, gave my notice and explained I will be there to finish my schedule.

With getting the full time day position I don't want to work an additional part time job and go to school. I explained I went and am going to school in health care, and I couldn't pass up the great opportunity of not only getting the hospital job but working days as a single mom...I can be with my kids.

The manager that I talked to congratulated me and told me that they understood and they appreciate that I will finish out my schedule. I clocked in and told myself I wasn't going to tell any of my co-workers. About a hour later a different manager came up to me in front of my co-workers and said we are going to miss you here are you sure you can't work a couple of days a week or every other weekend. I, again, explained my job offer from the hospital and how I could not turn down that opportunity. I was asked to come talk to the managers on Friday, my day off, I agreed to do so. After that I heard something about my leaving every 15 minutes from my co-workers. The majority of them wished me the best of luck and congratulated me on my job offer.

This brings me to I hate quitting a job. I always get nervous and somehow feel that I am letting someone down. I know that the job will go on without me, I am only one person. The 15-20 hours a week that I was there can easily be replaced.

On another note, and more importantly, my kids come home in 1 week! This summer has gone quickly and I am down to my final countdown on my kids returning home. They are just as excited as I am.

We have got a lot to get done before school starts. In fact I went down to make sure that everything was okay with the kids transfer to the new school, and it was. I just am over anal about checking and rechecking things. I was explained that the teachers list will be posted on the 15th and on the 19th there is going to be "meet your teacher" night with a big watermelon feed. So I am sure the kids and I will go and participate. I like to participate in as many of the school activities that I can throughout the year.

I think tonight...fresh squeezed lemonade and a good book. Nothing like enjoying a summer night.

Knee pads.....anyone?

Today was my last day at the mental health facility that I was at. It was a great clinical rotation and I learned a lot.

We played volleyball with a few patients today and well I must have thought I was back in high school, I dove for the ball...and hit it...but not thinking my knees hit the gym floor. They are all red and have skin abrasions. Small price to pay for what playing volleyball does for these patients. It gets them up moving, laughing, smiling and it helps with concentration and motor skills. Oh and it is fun!

Not a negative experience at all during mental health.

I still have 2 days of mental health left but that will be when I job shadow a mental health case manager next week. Sounds like it is an interesting job; you get to set your own hours, days off, etc. Hmm...and it deals with mental health...

Is there gold at the end of the rainbow?

Well, I called the lady who makes the hospital schedule today; she bluntly asked me if I could work days. Are you kidding me? I would LOVE to work days over second shift. Not only that she gave me a heads up that a full time position, days, is available and if I want it to call the boss tomorrow and fill out a piece of paper and it can be mine.

I couldn't believe it. I didn't think I would ever get days. That saves me so much in daycare and time away from my kids. It's been a hectic summer but I do believe the sun is shinning now.

Hopefully I get a hold of the boss in the morning to tell her I want it. If I end up getting the full time position I might be quitting my other job...I can only hope!

Now, of course, I'm trying not to count my chickens before they hatch....but it isn't easy to do.

I must consult my magic 8 ball....

I have a question...

Can you be too committed in a relationship? Now theoretically speaking this is a realtionship with a good foundation and everything is just dandy. Do you think people over commit themselves? How? Why?

I'm just curious of what others may think. I know some of you reply back to my e-mail instead of leaving a comment and that is fine. Whatever the way I would just appreciate a response.

I think I am an over committer. Is that even a word? I won't go into my thoughts about this but I will respond to the ones that I get....like always.

Enjoy your day!

Bye-bye plastic

Today I had to run to the bank to cancel and reissue a debit card. I don’t know what it is about misplacing that specific piece of plastic, but I have been doing so often this last year. In fact I have prided myself of never losing anything of the sort. Now, in the last 12 months this is the 6th time I lost my bank card. What is going on? Can I seriously be misplacing that card every 2 months? I guess so.

I haven’t lost anything else, checks, credit cards, license, social security cards, they are still there. What is it about my ocean scene bankcard that I keep losing it? Anyway I should have a new card in a week they said. Good thing I can keep my same pin because losing it that often I don’t know how I would keep track of what pin to use.

I hope that everyone enjoys their weekend. I get to work. I also might clean the basement, hopefully…well maybe…we will see.

Date or else.

My adopted mom told me two days ago that I need to start dating; that either I find someone to date or she was going to.

Now with her saying this I want to know why she thinks I need to date. Am I being grouchy? I don't think so. Am I complaining of not having a guy? Sometimes...I make a few comments now and again. But why does she want me to have a guy around so bad? I don't know.

I am a fairly busy person. I go to school, work two jobs, keep up the house and yard, and I have 3 kids. Does she think I need help with something?

Anyway, it has been one of those days....you know the kind you don't ever want to repeat. I tell you what I really wish my ex-husband would grow up slightly. There is nothing that I hate more than trying to talk to someone and they hang up because they don't like what you have said. It seriously frustrates me!

I don't ask for my ex-husband to do anything more than needed when it comes to the kids. He pays his child support and I support the kids with that money. School time comes around and I have already bought all the school clothes and supplies for my kids. I asked him to get the kids a hair cut because I am sure they need one, they have been up there all summer. And he said that he pays child support so he doesn't feel like he should have to do any extras. Can you believe that? I pay for swimming lessons, clothes, food, all of lives essentials, and I ask him to get the kids a ten dollar a piece hair cut and it is too much to ask for?

Yes, I know he pays his child support. And I am thankful for that. I have went out of my way for this guy even after we got divorced. Heck, he couldn't have bought his last car if it wasn't for me. I have been flexible with visitations to work around his needs. And a haircut was too much to ask. It's not that I don't have the money to get my kids a haircut, I'll get them a haircut, it's that my kids have been gone all summer and need a haircut and they are not here for me to take them to get one....and he is their dad.

And my adopted mom thinks that I need to date. Please.

I finished my book.

I woke up at 6:30 this morning with no alarm or any need to rush to get anywhere. It was serene.

I got up and turned my air-conditioner up—till it got real cold in here—propped my pillows on my headboard, climbed back into bed, covered up with my comforter, and finished the book I started on that stormy night. It was good. It has been a long time that I have finished a book. In fact it has been a long time that I did any sort of reading outside of my nursing books. I enjoyed it entirely.

Now it is after 1:30 in the afternoon and the only thing I have accomplished is giving myself hypothermia and the knowledge of who was behind the murders in the book I have just read. It is extremely cold in here. I actually finished the book a few hours ago but I laid in bed to think—to think in quiet. It was peaceful and I did get to review some of the thoughts and issues in my life without feeling ‘rushed’. I am thankful for today.

Other than that I have to wish James a Happy 40th Birthday! I truly hope that the rain has not ruined your Nascar Night. If it hasn’t—I expect some great pictures—ahem—Tony Stewart. Enjoy your birthday!!

I don't like your voice...

I have heard many strange things in my life and I am positive I will hear many more—I can only hope. I love unusual comments and statements…more so when they are directed at someone else and not myself, but it does happen.

Today I was attending a group on social interactions. In this group we were handed a piece of paper and we needed to write our fears. I wrote down my most common fears:

I have a fear of the dark.
I have a fear of bridges.
I have a fear of worms.
I have a fear of losing a loved one.
I have a fear of talking in large groups.
I have a fear of failure.

Well you get the point.

Anyway, as people were making their lists the gentleman sitting across from me stated “I am very schizophrenic and I don’t like your voice.” I haven’t spoken a word since being in that room. I looked at him and replied “What is it about my voice that you don’t like?” He thought for a minute and stated “Shut up and kiss me!” I calmly answered “That is not going to happen.”

The other student that was in this social interaction group with me was seriously scared about the comments made to me. She is obviously not going to go into psychiatric nursing. She doesn’t want to be left alone with any of the patients. Myself, I love it!

I know that I was just hired at the Family Recovery Center, and I do plan on staying there but man it is hard not to go and apply at the mental institution.

A Beautiful Mind...

It was another great day in my mental health rotation. Today my patient picked me.

Our picnic at the park was cancelled do to the storms last night. Some of the patients were upset about this while others were relieved. To be honest I was slightly relieved, but I would have gone and enjoyed myself.

Today I played basketball against a man around my age. Well, at first I stood back and watched. He was good. I approached him and he seemed highly disinterested in my interrupting his shooting. After I ‘proved’ myself worthy of shooting hoops—he started having fun. Yes, I can shoot a basketball—and pretty darn good too! He invited me to play again tomorrow. I accepted. He is not my patient. My patient is a middle-age woman. She is very shy, and seems like she has no self worth. I enjoyed the conversations that she and I had. She let me right into her life and made me feel welcome in the process.

We only get to talk to our patients about 15-20 minutes a day. Doesn’t sound like much, does it? It’s not. We make an appointment with them and than the rest of the day we join activities or go to group therapies, etc. Today I went shopping with a handful of patients. To be honest you would not have known that these individuals have psychiatric problems; the majority of them are fairly controlled. It was a fun experience.

Have you ever seen A Beautiful Mind? There is an amazing patient at the facility that reminds me of that movie. Some of these patients live in their own little worlds some live in two different worlds, but whatever world it is I am enjoying this.

A lot of the patients have drug induced psychiatric problems. Using too many drugs can rewire your brain and honestly make you have a mental illness. I think they call it something like drug induce schizophrenia. Most of them realize that they have failed society and now have such low self esteem that they fear that nobody will give them a second chance. They thrive on seeing us, the nursing students, making fools out of ourselves. This I do well and I don’t even have to try.

I don’t want anyone to think that I don’t know that there is a bad side to mental health nursing—the episodes. I have seen a few of those too. I have seen some bizarre things to be honest. I have even heard some pretty violent and strange things come out of these patients’ mouths. Anything from wanting to slit a person’s throat to seeing someone burns themselves with the flame of a lighter.

It is kind of funny to see how the majority of the nursing group doesn’t like this rotation; in fact, they are counting down the days to be out of there. They are out of their element. Not me, I think I found what I was looking for in nursing.

I’m strange.

No power AGAIN!

Last night I decided I was going to cook myself supper. With it just being me, myself, and I; I haven't done much cooking. In fact, last night was the first time my oven in my new stove has been turned on.

I had my dinner in the oven and I start hearing thunder and seeing the lightening flashing. I love to watch storms so I sat on my porch for awhile. I came inside and my lights were a flickering on and off. Darn it..I knew that my power was going to go out so I get in the freezer and pop a microwave meal in and no more than thirty seconds after that...boom...my power was out!

Thinking that it might come back on....I waited. It didn't. I ended up throwing out both meals and running to wal-mart for something to eat. Not thinking while I was there to grab a flashlight or candles-I came home to a dark house.

Good thing it was still kinda light out because I put on a cowboy hat, took out a blanket, and sat on the porch and read 23 chapters in a book. Which was nice.

The storm did a lot to this neighborhood. My neighbor has a huge tree that I am becoming more and more leary about it falling into either hers or my house one of these times. It had a big 15 foot branch fall and block the road. I wish I would have took a picture. It is not blocking the road now but it is still on the parking. If they haven't cut it up when I get back from clinical I will try and remember to take some pictures. Oh, and the alley is blocked by a tree that fell.

Anyway, we were out of electricity for about five to six hours. I am truly sick of not having power. Like I have a choice when nature takes over. The worst thing this time was I had my clothes in the wash so I had to stay up till the power came on...I needed the clothes to be done for this morning.

Now I got myself drawn into a good book and well flashing clocks everywhere that need to be set. Oh, and don't forget the thousands of branches strung out all over my yard that I will have to clean up before I mow.

At least I have something to look forward to...

What I wouldn't do...

Have you ever had one of those days that you come home and just want someone to spoil you? Of course you have. That is me today.

My feet are throbbing! What I wouldn't do for a great foot massage. MmmmMmmm....

I guess I will be soaking them later even though it is not the same as a massage. See there are reasons that I want a guy in my life...but I have more reasons not to date right now.

Anyway...

Tomorrow at clinicals we are going to spend the day at the park and pick out our patient. I think I might let the patient pick me out instead. We will see.

Guilt is in the air.

I feel guilty. There is this guy, a very nice guy, which he keeps asking to “hang out”. I always make up an excuse to be polite. Sometimes I am too busy or sometimes I am too tired. The truth is I don’t want to date right now—not anyone.

I don’t have a good track record with men in my life. These numbers are not large but obviously these connections have never worked out. Did I give up on one day establishing a relationship with a man? No. I simply need to find out what it is that I do that don’t keep a man after the initial dating period.

I also want to wait on dating because of my kids. I don’t like to introduce kids to a guy that may or may not be in their life. My kids get attached to someone and if it doesn’t work out I have 4 broken hearts to deal with—not just my own. To me the worst is trying to explain to a kid why so and so is not going to be around anymore. I can’t even begin to tell you the hurt that you see in their eyes when they liked someone and than the questions that come out of their mouths!

A quick side note—my daughter has a magic 8ball at my sisters’ house. My sister called and told me that this last week she was asking that magic 8ball if so and so still liked my mom and if they would date again. This broke my heart to see that she lost a male role model and a friend. I can’t do that to my kids again. They have not had a consistent male in their lives—ever. That sounds bad on my part but I have only introduced them to one man that I have dated and they knew one man that I dated prior to us dating. The kids dads are not consistent in their life either...that was part of my point. I don't want to come off as an 'easy' person because it's not that way.

Now, it is not in my nature to be down right mean to this man who is adamant on dating. So I have recently talked to this man and told him I am not dating anyone right now. I can be your friend but nothing more. He agrees, but than after a week he goes right back to the same way. I find myself ignoring calls and not answering e-mails. I feel guilty about this; it is not who I want to be.

I don’t have an answer on when I will want a man in my life. It might be a few months or even longer than a year. I don’t know. I do know that I obviously have some changes to make to myself. I am one of those ‘go with the flow’ types when dating someone—from experience this does not work. I also forget how to be me when I am teeter-tottering on how the person feels about me. I am sure there is more that I need to work on before I jump out into dating again.

Sometimes I even surprise myself

I think I want another baby. Yup, you read that right. Now, I’m not saying I am going to have another baby. First off let’s rationalize this:

I have three wonderful kids. My oldest 10 ½, my middle 8 ½, and my youngest will be 7 in a few weeks. Why in the world would I give up the little freedom I get when they are in school?

Next, I am not even dating anyone, so there is no possibility of getting pregnant. I don’t want to date someone to get pregnant. There will be no accidents here.

I have a three bedroom house. I don’t have another room for a baby. That is unless I want to add on or move, but neither are an option to me right now.

I am working two jobs and attending school, well at least the clinical portion this term. I have too much on my plate right now so why in the heck would I want to add to it?

See after rationalizing all the above and more, I do completely and competently understand that I do not need another baby, however, I never stated that I needed another baby just that I wanted another baby. There is a difference between the two statements.

Now I sit and wonder what it is about a baby that I want so desperately; I can make a list a mile long.

No, I am not going to run out and get pregnant. In fact, I am pretty sure I will not have another baby. I do, however, think I might look into foster care or even the big brother big sister programs. Now saying that, it won’t be in my near future beings I have my three kids that I need to take care of first and foremost.

Sometimes I even surprise myself with the thoughts that go through my head.

This is not something that I woke up and said to myself this morning; this is something that I have been thinking for a good year. I just wanted to see it in writing.

It is complicated how your emotional side can yearn for something that your intellectual side knows isn’t the best, if it is for the time or situation or whatever it might be.

Study, study, study...

Today I received me National Council Licensure Examination AUTHORIZATION TO TEST!!!

Basically a long drawn out name for I can take my nursing boards.

I went from being excited to fearful. I don't know if I remember anything!

I guess I will scheduale an appointment and than study, study, study....

I have very mixed feelings about this. If I pass I am a nurse....if I fail I'm not. Simple.

Anyway, I hope everyone enjoys the weekend!!!!

My yesterday...

Yesterday was a busy day for me. I had my new curtains delivered and hung in the kitchen. My ‘adopted’ mom can sew and well she made me some patriotic curtains to match my kitchen. They look awesome. I asked her when she is going to teach me to sew and for some reason she just laughs. So I take that as a negative. Hmm…

In the afternoon I had to go and interview different in-home childcare providers. I think I might have found the one that I will trust to watch my kids while I am working. Unfortunately it is not in my home and it’s not a man. Hmm…I could dream, right? Honestly I really liked what I seen at this person’s house and I liked the structure and schedule that she has to run her childcare. Now I just got see what the kids think of her when they start over there. I always say it is a ‘trial basis’ until the kids tell me their opinions of the care they receive. My kids are older and I can trust their input.

After that I had to run around town and get some shopping and errands done. I usually love to shop but for some reason I didn’t yesterday.

I ran over to my ‘adopted’ mom’s house because I was going to borrow their shop vac. While I was there I filled out the mounds of paperwork associated with a new daycare provider. We chatted and I ended up coming home.

I talked to my kids when I got home and told them all about their ‘trial’ childcare. They are excited to come home. Thankfully; I was beginning to think they would never miss home. It was great to hear. Only a few more weeks and I can’t wait. In fact my ‘adopted’ mom offered to drive me to meet the kids at the halfway point of Guthrie Center to get the kids. She must be missing them too. I can’t commit myself to that because I might be working that day.

After I talked to my kids I strung the weed eater and decided I would weed eat ‘later’. Yup, at times I am a procrastinator.

I came inside and fell asleep around 8:30. I must have been tired. I know that I woke up on occasion during the night but honestly I slept almost 11 hours. That is about 5 hours more than normal. I must have needed it.

Tomorrow my ‘adopted’ family is going to the casino about an hour and twenty minutes from here and they want me to go. You see gambling is a weakness for me and I would love to go but I had to decline the offer beings I have an all day meeting tomorrow at the hospital.

I can’t believe I just wrote about nothing. I really haven’t had anything exciting happen in the last day or two. Knock-on-wood! I don’t want to jinx myself.

Oh, I guess I can say that my first ex-husband called me and said “Is this Heather.” I reply “Yes. Who the hell is this?” “Keith” he mumbled back. It was definitely one of those moments you dread; my stomach was clenched. He talked very nice and apologized for not being there to help with Tiana. I didn’t say much but I was thinking oh yeah, the decade that you weren’t here.

See in my previous post I stated something like forgiveness was hard for me, more so if it is to forgive myself. Now this is the exception to that. Is it possible to forgive this man? I don’t know. I really don’t know if I want to. Now 2 months ago I would have been saying well he might have changed, just wait and see. Today I don’t want to look for the good in people anymore. I know that sounds crazy but I feel like I have been taken advantage of too many times or walked on because I tried to ‘understand’ everyone. I guess this one he is going to have to prove that he is worthy to see my daughter. He can’t expect a big welcome; he is a stranger in her life.

What is happiness?

We all say we want happiness, but what is your definition of happiness? Are you going to actually work for your happiness?

I believe that true happiness is a result of giving and not of receiving. This puts off many people from achieving it for their own. They don't want to make the personal sacrifices required to obtain it for themselves and of course all they can do is resent and hate those who have found it. "Remember it takes as much energy to be miserable as it does to be happy." Knowing this why would I want anything but to be happy? I found out that you need to decide what makes you happy and don't settle for anything less.

Genuinely happy people are different from everyone else; almost like the have some special trait or gene that passed up the rest of the population. Now I ask myself how is it that some people have this mentality and others do not. Can it be as simple as one chooses to simply be happy and not dwell on the negatives? Hmm…just a thought.

Personal happiness depends on the attitude you have decided to have towards life, towards others and especially toward yourself. For example, if you look at life as always knocking you down or never giving you a break…would you be happy? How about if you thought that you didn’t measure up to everyone else in life…your job wasn’t good enough, your house wasn’t big enough…is that happiness? I don’t think so. Appreciation of what we have relates to true happiness. It is very easy to look at what we don’t have instead of looking at what we do have. When we stop being grateful or thankful or appreciative, our entire emotional outlook suffers. Ungratefulness and lack of appreciation is a very ugly trait in someone, don’t you think?

Do you agree or not?

Now this is hard for me; the ability to forgive others and myself. If you know me; I have a hard time forgiving….more so myself. I make mistakes and I just focus on them and tear myself down. So I decided that I need to work on forgiving myself. I find it easier to forgive others because I rationalize their behaviors and actions; sometimes I just make excuses for them. At times I even chalk it up to they are ignorant and don't realize the impact of their behavior. Forgiving myself isn't as easy. I don’t want to rationalize my behavior or say that I am ignorant. Usually I state that I should have known my actions or behavior was going to turn out this way. Hmm….

Anyway, that is my thoughts about true happiness. I think. I mean I can list a lot of material items that can bring a smile to my face, but it is not true happiness.

What is your happiness?

My soon to be new scar

Well I just finished mowing my lawn and I came inside sat down and looked at my leg. I had a gash in my left leg with blood running down. I didn't even realize it. Hmmm....I must of had something shoot out of the lawnmower at me. I am usually pretty good at making sure everything is picked up before I start though. Who knows. This just goes and shows that I shouldn't wear shorts out when I mow. I am okay and it doesn't hurt at all. Hopefully it doesn't scar.

Who knows where nursing will lead me...

Today at clinical I fell in love…with the kind of nursing that I think is made for me…

Mental Health Nursing!

Yup, I think this is it.

Today was interesting to say the least. There are 8 of us students that are in clinical together. Out of the 8 I only believe 3 were comfortable working with the mental health patients. I was one of them. I loved it. We played volleyball with the patients that wanted to participate. And there was about 6-7 that came to play but 2-3 of the patients only hit the ball and left, while the others stayed and play for over a hour. And that is okay.

This is the only rotation where we will not be assigned patients….we get to choose our own. I have a person that I have in mind but it’s not set in stone. Next Monday we are having a picnic at the local park and are going to be able to interact with them and than we will pick our patient or they might pick us…

Now, this is not a serious locked up mental ward…Ottumwa actually announced yesterday they are closing that ward in the hospital this Friday. What a notice! But this is a place where the chronic patients are in a ‘secure’ facility and after they get their medications straightened out they move to a different floor to set their goals in life and this facility helps with reentering some, not all, of the patients back to the community….slowly. It takes the very minimum of 8-12 months if not more to get someone back in to the community.

Also in this rotation we get to go to the Bridge of Hope and the Family Recovery Unit at the hospital. Yup, that is where I got my job. I was excited about that. In fact we toured that floor today and they had a banner that said WELCOME HEATHER. How sweet is that?

Anyway, I do truly think that this is something that I am extremely interested in. If only I would have listened to my very first instructor at the college, Scott, because he told me that he sees me being a mental health nurse. Hmmm…maybe teachers do know best…well at times I suppose.

Since I started in nursing I just knew that I wanted to be a surgical nurse…no doubt. Today I think I have seriously changed my mind. I believe I found my calling today.

Who knows where nursing will lead me…

Proof...I graduated!

Today was a fabulous day! Not one complaint....I wish all days were like today.

Anyway, I had a great clinical experience today. I think I might have found my calling. Yup-I do!

I will post later about that.

Anyway, I get home and what is in my mailbox....my diploma.

Some don't really know how big of a deal this little diploma is. I didn't graduate high school. Not because I wasn't smart enough, or I was a troubled teen, but because I made a stupid decision and decided to drop out of high school. So this diploma is my first ever...along with my first tassel.

I didn't go to my graduation ceremony. I told everyone that it was no big deal and that I didn't want anyone to make a big deal about it. I kept saying, next year is going to be my actual graduation-when I get my R.N.. To be honest I wish I would have went to my pinning ceremony and my graduation ceremony. Mark my word...when I graduate with my R.N. I am going to make a big deal out of it.

Power outage

Late last night I was looking items up online. It started with the pool that I just purchased and progressed to the big blow up waterslides. I read about the waterslides and than I thought about the big bouncy houses consequently I looked them up too. After reading about the many types of bouncy houses, some which have a waterslide hooked to the house itself, I than started to think about my favorite holiday—Halloween.

I get online and I searched “Haunted Houses”. I know that they make blow up haunted houses and I wanted to price them. I think it would be amazing to have one and set it up for the neighborhood kids, a Halloween party for my kids, or even when passing out candy on Halloween when my kids are done trick-or-treating. I want to be one of those “you never want to miss houses” on Halloween. I want the whole shebang. It might take years to get there…but I will have one of those houses.

Anyway, this was just about one in the morning when I was surfing the net looking at actual Haunted Houses in and out of the United States. I was reading about stories and claims of people who experienced the paranormal activities in there own homes. Well deep in thought about all the Haunted Houses….my power goes out…we had a big storm.

No big deal, right? Wrong!

I am scared of the dark.

Yes, Heather Tucker, who loves all things scary, is afraid of being in the pitch dark.

I know this doesn’t make sense so let me try and explain. I am ONLY afraid of the dark when I am absolutely alone. I have to sleep with my TV on or my nightlight on. If there is someone sleeping in bed with me…I’m fine. It is that comfort feeling. I can handle Haunted Houses, being outside at all hours of the night, it s only when I am alone that I have this intense fear.

I did what any other irrational person would have done—ran to my bed and put the covers over my head. I’m not kidding. I had my cell phone so I thought I’d call a friend to get my mind off of it. So I call a guy friend who is up at that time. Big mistake—I soon found out.

Thinking that this guy would be compassionate about my fear, I was wrong. Not only did he keep bringing it up, he started to add to it. For instance, saying you are afraid of the dark what if someone tried to break in. I was like shut up. This is a genuine fear. I was and am angry with this friend. He made fun of my fear and instead of just having a conversation with me he kept bringing it up—thinking it was funny.

I ended up hanging up.

I called my sister, who was actually awake, and she too is afraid of the dark. We talked till my battery died on my cell phone. Within fifteen minutes of that my power was back on, thankfully.

Call me a baby, say it is ridiculous, whatever…I have the fear of the dark…and well worms. Ew.

Disclaimer: I know this guy friend of mine reads my blog on occasion AND this is about you!

Next summer...

I bought my kids a pool today one of those easy-to-setup ones. Now I am sure the kids will have fun in it. I think it is 15 feet across and either 42 or 48 inches deep. I doubt I will be putting it up this year beings my kids won't be back home till mid-August. I couldn't pass up the price; it was normally 399.99 and I got it on sale for 50% off.

Now I am going to have to fence in the rest of my backyard. The thing is I like to learn how to do things so I might be trying it myself....with the help of someone. It's not like I didn't have anything else to do...atleast I can put this off till next spring!

Newspaper ad

Beings I am a single mom of three wonderful kids, I know the great difficulties it is to find quality daycare. It even is harder to find childcare when you are not working that 8am to 4pm Monday through Friday shift. Finding someone to watch the kids on second shift is proving to be quite a challenge. I think I am going to have to put an ad in the paper.

How about: Let me be your sugar mama. I will work if you watch my kids at night. Pay and possibly good benefits (sleeping in my bed). Cable is included on big, flat screen TV. Beer is available after kids are sleeping.

What do you think? I know I'm pulling for a man. Seriously though I wouldn't mind a male 'nanny'.

Got any ad suggestions?

All in all this is my greatest obstacle of being a single mom--Quality child care that you can afford.

Sick, sick, and still sick.

I got my physical done. It was the only time in my life that not only did they have to take a urine drug test, give me a TB test (even though I had proof of 2 of them in the last year), a Hep B shot (I have 1 left in the series), and titers for chickenpox and MMR. They were also trying to give me a tetnus shot too...but I promised them my 10 years were not up. All that and the hospital had no water. They had portable toliets in the parking lots. I couldn't wash my hands after collecting a urine sample. It was something else.

After the physical portion I had to go to HR and filled out what seemed to be a book of papers. I got my hospital ID badge and my parking permit. Next friday I have to go to a meeting and that is my start date but I don't know when I will actually be starting. Orientation is not till August 18th but that doesn't mean they won't start me before than. Who knows.

I got home from the physical around 10:30 and I got sick. I wish that I could have crawled into bed and slept the day away but I couldn't I had to work at noon. But what doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger, right? :)

I still don't feel very well but I'm alive.

Lets get physical...

I am on my way to get my physical needed for the Family Recovery Unit job that I will be starting I believe August 18th....well that is orientation. I'm excited.

Yesterday I went to the college and dropped my classes and the person I spoke to in the Health Occupations was very helpful and pulled a few strings to get me to stay in the clinical portion of nursing so when I start back on in the winter term I won't have to redo any of the clinical that I did this summer. This works out famously for me because the summer term costs came right out of my pocket. She also registered me for a few classes for fall that I can do online at home....and they count for my nursing degree when I start back up in winter.

I was so nervous about dropping...but with life at the moment I couldn't concentrate or retain any information. After speaking to them and explaining my life situation they were very understanding and helped in everyway possible.

On another note..I was mistaken. My ex husband is on parole. I thought he served his full sentence but he didn't. I guess his full sentence was 12 years and he served 8 of them so he is on parole for 4 years. That does ease my mind a bit because he has got to watch his actions for 4 years or he goes back to prison. It is only a small relief but I will take it.

Anyway, I am out the door to get my physical done...

Is it a masterpiece?

When I first moved to Ottumwa from Sioux City (going on two years) it was very hard for me--I left my family and friends behind. My sister and I used to spend any spare moment online chatting with each other and we found out about Doodle IMViroment that you can use on Yahoo Messanger.

We got addicted.

If you haven't used Doodle IMViroment, I seriously suggest that you do. IM me I will color with ya! Both people, in this instance it was my sister and I, get to draw at the same time. We would take turns drawing a shape and the other adding to it as we typed our IM's to each other. The one pictured above was one of our masterpieces. My sister printed it out and mailed it to me over a year and a half ago. I found it last night. It brought me as much laughter finding it as it did the day we created it.

We also play Literati (Scrabble), Word Racer, and Pool.

I want to say today ended up being a great day. I had some good news that eased my mind greatly. More on that later....just remind me!

Bored with nothing to do...

I have this huge headache that won’t go away. I have tried taking something for it and it just hasn’t helped. I think it is stress related. Ugh.

Anyway, here is a picture of me today after I got done mowing. I even wore a white t-shirt while I mowed…but with proper undergarments this time.

Oh what a lovely picture it is. Haha.

I really want to play UNO or Connect Four, but I have a quiet house with nothing to do.

Oh. I did find out that my ex-husband got out prison last week and now is attending Bible College in Texas....hmmm...

What does a mother do when her hands are tied?

What do you do when your ex-husband, the biological father of your daughter, is to be released from prison sometime this month? He had served his full sentence of 8 hard years in Texas. He won’t be on parole. He is free to be wherever he chooses.

Now what do you do to prepare your daughter for this? She don’t remember anything about this man—not one memory. She was barely one when we split up and he hasn’t seen her since.

Through letters he has written how much he is sorry for his actions and how much he missed out of Tiana’s life. All things that I do not feel sorry for him about…and I tell him just that. This man by law has the right for visitations with my daughter. I can’t begin to tell you what thoughts are racing in my head.

Now this same man, through letters, has repeatedly asked for a second chance. As he states “Heather, you have a piece of my heart and it would not be fair to try and love someone else when I would not be able to give them my full heart”. This is the same man that I married and didn’t love, but I know he did love me.

What do you do when you don’t know what to do?

I don’t want anything with this man. I don’t know if I can even have friendship with him. But in the instance that it involves my child—what does a mother do when her hands are tied?

For better or for worse?

If you could be anywhere right now, where would it be?

That is a pretty easy one for me to answer—Phantasia—no questions.

I have been sitting here wondering what to do with life. I feel like whatever direction that I do turn, turns out to be the wrong one. Have you ever just felt like you hit a dead end? I have. I feel that way now.

Maybe it is time for a trip home, to visit my family. I don’t know. Maybe I just need a good ole weekend at the tattoo shop; watching the guys be—well just that—guys.

I prefer not to be negative. I do think I try and find positives in situations. I feel broken. All I see now is negatives in people, not everyone but some. I hate that I see that. I see all this negatives in people that at one time I used to think they were amazing people. I don’t know, maybe I took off my rose-colored glasses and I am seeing them for who they really are. I guess I can best describe it as a kid finding out that Santa is not really a heavyset, white-haired, jolly-man that lives at the North Pole. Disappointing huh?

I was once told that I need to put myself first and not others. Why is that? Why can’t I put someone else’s needs before mine? I guess because people are in that ‘me-me’ mode that they feel that is the only way to meet their needs. I don’t know. This world is full of selfish people. I’m talking about people—that say they are friends—that can’t even take a moment to show that they mean it.

So to all of those people I truly feel sorry for your selfish ways. And even more I am sorry to myself for wasting my time. I believe that the best rewards in life are those that are accomplished in unselfish ways. Does it truly have to be a ‘me-me’ world out there? Has humanity seriously lost that touch of being considerate or empathetic to others?

I think I have made some huge changes in life these last couple of weeks. I just haven’t decided if they were for better or for worse…

I must have no life.

I typed my full name into yahoo search to see what would come up, if anything. And one thing did pop up. My dissolution of my second marriage. How fun is that? LOL

Wow...I'm lucky.

So I tried my previous names and nothing came up. Hmm...

I must have no life.

At least I didn't have the shortest marriage!

Dissolutions: (Sept. 26th 2006)

Sharon C. Aguilar, Ralph E. Aguilar, married Dec. 2, 1988, in Reno, Nevada.

Melesio Gonzalez Luna, Felipa DeJesus Rodriguez, married Jan. 20, 1999, in Mexico.

Amanda Irene Burton, Christopher Alan Burton, married Feb. 2, 2002, in Fort Morgan, Colo.

Donald Alan Davis, Robin Larissa Davis, married March 24, 2001, in Iowa.

Anne L. Garreans, Jeffrey D. Garreans, married July 10, 1992, in Denison, Iowa.

Heather Janell Tucker, Lenny Duane Tucker, married May 15, 2000, in South Dakota.

Kristin F. Wright, Christopher D. Wright, married April 23, 2004, in Las Vegas.

Lloyd D. Crain, Melissa Ann Crain, married Aug. 7, 1993, in Iowa.

Tammy Sue Taylor, George Taylor Jr., married March 23, 1991, in Missouri.

Ashlei S. Butzer, Matthew J. Butzer, married July 10, 2004, in Ohio.

Can't a girl have a break?

All in all it turned into a really crappy day.

I am going to spare many details and just say I have decided to postpone any more schooling that I have for the time being--hopefully not indefinitely--I'm still in some classes and clinicals. Things happen for a reason, right?

I didn't even get a chance to fail my class!

It has been one thing after another this summer. Can’t a girl have a break?

Seriously if karma exists and “what comes around, goes around”; I must seriously be one messed up, cruel person.

On a good note, I decided to rent a movie…umm…Stop-Loss. The guy that was working at the video store suggested to me. I never heard of it before; I am taking him by his word…

Here is the plot summary: “Decorated Iraq war hero Sgt. Brandon King makes a celebrated return to his small Texas hometown following his tour of duty. He tries to resume the life he left behind. Then, against Brandon's will, the Army orders him back to duty in Iraq, which upends his world. The conflict tests everything he believes in: the bond of family, the loyalty of friendship, the limits of love and the value of honor.”

Hmm…I guess it’s time to put it in.

Bowling...

You are looking at a person who broke their bowling record. Oh yea!

Yup, I am good. I even conquered a 7-10 split—I am that good.

I dominated the game….and when I say game I mean the bowling game that comes with the wii.

Yea, I kicked butt.

Any challengers? No.

That is what I thought.

My near death experience.

I think I am recovering from a panic attack--seriously. I was in the bathroom when my heart started to race and my palms got sweaty; I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. That is a panic attack, correct? Well that was what happened. I felt as if I was a fish out of water trying to breathe. I thought I was dying.

What caused this near death experience…let me tell you…a gray hair! Actually more than one gray hair—there were gray hairs!

So after I plucked those invading my youth, I decided to inspect the signs of aging. I think I have a wrinkle—well maybe a start of a wrinkle. When the heck did this all start?!

I am twenty-eight years old. That is 344 months old or 1,495 weeks old or 10,466 days old.

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

All things considered, I think I have been taking aging gracefully…

A child's love...

So I had clinical today at the hospital in town. I had to go to a vaccine meeting with the nurses that I am ‘shadowing’ with. This worked out good for me because it did save me a half hour drive one way to the town that I am usually going to.

I came home for my lunch break to let Prince Crete outside to go to the bathroom and posted a quick post about friendship—as you can tell. Duh!

Anyway, I checked my mail and I had a card from my youngest which just about made me cry. Now, the card itself is ‘strange’ at best, but I do understand why he picked it. I love butterflies and it had a huge butterfly on the front…but…it was a “so sorry for your loss” card. That is okay…I loved it!

Inside is written “I love you. How is your summer? How are you? How is your day? How are you doing? How was today? I love you very much. Love, Dalton”-- all in his penmanship. Now if that is not too sweet in itself he taped a quarter, dime, and two pennies inside. This just brought tears to my eyes. I have been sending the kids a card weekly asking them questions like Dalton asked me. I also have been sending them each a little bit of money to buy treats when they go to the gas station or to the pool. If you haven’t figured it out yet—he sent me money to buy myself something.

This is why I know that kids are priceless. An instant like this makes the struggles in life worth every moment. A child's love is worth more than anything that I have ever expierenced.

This just made me miss my kids more…

I did thank my ex-husband for helping Dalton to do this. It was Dalton's idea but someone needed to behind him to buy the card and postage.

A real friend...

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

It is the actions that seem to count the most in friendship whether they be big or small. In a time when we can chat effortlessly by text and email, talk is getting cheaper. Many people consider that the sign of true friends is what they do to show their loyalty, honesty, trustworthiness, or willingness to make a sacrifice when you need help.

What do you call a good friend?

Sometimes the most cherished acts of friendship are those for which you expect to get nothing in return, not even the credit for your good deed. Isn’t that what friendship has to be about? At times at least? Or do you expect things to be 50/50?

What happens when a friend is not there when you need them to be, do you wait till they are ready or give up because they are not meeting what you need out of a friendship?

Many times I have learned the true value of friendship after it was gone. It’s sad…but true.

Disclaimer: This is not about any of my friends that read my blog. SO--if you read this here...it is NOT about you.

How to spot a good woman.

I found this blog on the net and I really enjoyed it and thought that some others might like it as much as I did. Below I copied and pasted the blog along with the link to the original owner. Let me know what you think. Enjoy!
http://larshindsley.com/blog/_archives/2008/1/28/3490477.html

Without women the world couldn't exist. And not merely because of babies. Man needs woman like the earth needs the sun. There is no one reason which answers the question. There are a multitude of reasons. We don't need to go through them all. Men know women make life worth living, worth fighting for, worth improving for and worth sacrificing for. Some men even sacrifice their own values for a woman. That is a mighty draw.

We as men should give into such a strong desire for a woman worth that while.

What kind of woman is that?

Here is my take. She is a friend beyond all things. Someone you don't have to work at getting to know as she already knows you. While you don't have to be kindred spirits, you should know that together you feel really at peace. You don't have to impress as she is impressed with who you are already. To you high-school boys... you really should give that girl that dotes on you a chance. Stop dreaming of the prom queen and realize the one that wants you the most, will make your life most worthwhile. And when you get that down... you'll be a better man in your twenties. Once again you'll know what to look out for.

So now you in a relationship... how do you know she is a good woman? She thinks of you enough to make the bed with you instead of making up rules about who should make the bed. If she is a great cook, someone you can learn from... these are things you can't ignore.

A good woman isn't below you, but she doesn't want to leverage you either. There is a calm acceptance for who both of you are. Some like to think as a team. You don't have to be a team, but you sure has heck may find you work better as one. I mean to say, she doesn't have to be so close to you that you are swearing how you'll both never part, blah blah blah... but when things get difficult, there is no question she thinks of how to ease the pain in your life. I don't want to come off to any women reading this that it's about a subservient woman. It's expected that a man will do just as much for a woman as he hopes she will do for him. Please don't get the wrong idea ladies, but understand we men do have our own hopes and dreams. In the end, we are looking to know that when we have the right woman... we don't blow the opportunity before us.

Back to the guys... Men, are we not men? We like to be strong and provide, we like to know when the plumbing breaks or a fixture has a short, we know what to do instead of wondering what to do. A woman, a good woman appreciates this. And that is my point. You know you have a good woman when she appreciates these things you do. From the big to the little. From doing laundry to knowing you don't put bleach in with the colors. She appreciates that you pump her gas or drive in the middle of the night to get her medicine.

I've found a good woman isn't just a bit sassy, she's dignified in her words. She doesn't lose her temper with you and she doesn't insult you over your life choices. She doesn't bring her emotional baggage with her from past relationships. This is really important guys. Examine what you have... she may have had a really miserable past boyfriend or family that she wasn't close to, or she may be divorced... and when you are with her six or eight months and you are not hearing about any angst.... you must stop to smell the roses friend. This is a good woman. She is not like the others.

That is what you want right? A woman that is not like the others.
So when you come off that lost weekend, get your head straight and stop to appreciate "a good woman."

A good woman may find she needs to change for the better, but she doesn't do it for you. She does it for herself. If you need a woman to change her personality to fit you... then you have a decision to make. Accept her for what she is, or move on. There is no middle ground. You can't expect a democrat to become a republican; you can't expect someone that likes multiple sex partners to simply decide one is enough. Finding a good woman doesn't mean woman tht is not good is bad, it simple means she may not be right for you. The right one for you, can be your good woman.

Just don't accept someone that is not meant for you is what I'm arguing gentlemen. People are what they are, and acceptance works both ways. To accept someone for one or two reasons knowing that problems exist in your mind... means you will have to come back to this same decision later. You can not evade fate.

A good woman communicates. She doesn't deny emotions or let you both sleep on anger, resentment or any painful confrontation you could sort out before bed. A good woman doesn't want to go to bed mad at you.

A good woman will put a smile on your face even in the darkest times.

A good woman will try anything with you.

A good woman knows how to love. She never makes you wait too long.

A good woman wants sex more than you do. Actually... this is a great woman!

A good woman is someone your friends always complement when she isn't around.

A good woman is spiritual.

A good woman can be around the people you love most and care about them as much as she cares about you. If she is really good... those people will feel just as special.

A good woman doesn't start arguments. She even knows how to end them with dignity.

A good woman brings out the best in you.

A good woman has friends that always stay in touch... not just ones she knows for a year or so.

A good woman learns the little things that make you happy and she hardly if ever has to be asked to do them at the right time. If you ask, she doesn't make you feel guilty, she just says "yes."

A good woman is as creative as she is hard working. She knows when to relax too.

A good woman doesn't make excuses. In fact she has a open mind and usually opens up to get to the right answers; either on her own or with help.

A good woman doesn't let emotions dictate her character.

A good woman makes you laugh, even at yourself .

A said this once to a good woman... "She's like a great pop song you can't get out of your head."

A good woman thinks you are sexy. She likes to touch you or some special part of you, making you feel special. I suppose I should sum it up that she makes you feel special, not matter what way she does it, the result is you feel special. That's a great feeling. A good woman will do that for you, make you feel special.

A good woman helps you find the answers. She's encouraging and doesn't walk away.

A good woman doesn't admire lifestyles of low moral value. She doesn't admire people without substance. A good woman makes you proud she is with just you.

A good woman doesn't pretend to be cultured; she is.

A good woman make take time to get to know you, but only because she enjoys the experience...

A good woman enjoys the journey as much as you do.

A good woman knows that the big decisions sometimes solve themselves by not taking life too serious.

A good woman is your friend. I said that, but it's important to know that really is the how your day begins and ends with her.

I saved this for almost last.... because this one is not just a good woman... this one is a great woman. A great woman can say she is sorry. She can admit her mistake or mistakes. She can come to you and say she understands what she has in you or had in you should you even get to such an unfortunate place. Of course a great woman doesn't let a relationship capsize to that point. A great woman is great because she can say she was wrong. She can say she is sorry.

Should you have a woman like this in your life... you have a great woman.
The only bad thing I can say about a good woman is that she takes the fun out of being alone. But should you be alone... if she is still a part of your life... you are never lonely.